New posts

The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Feb. 12, 2019, 10:05 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

I got my wife a "get better soon" card. She's not sick or anything, I just think she can get better.

March 8, 2019, 9:16 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

When a vampire gets dressed up to go out at night, how does he know if he looks good?

March 29, 2019, 8:19 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

Can you believe it? The tenth film in the Fast & Furious franchise is set to be released. It's titled "Fast 10-your seat belt"

April 2, 2019, 3:02 p.m.
Posts: 2102
Joined: May 23, 2006

A German general once explained that he divided officers looking for promotion into four categories: the clever and lazy, the clever and industrious, the stupid and lazy and the stupid and industrious.

He said that the clever and lazy should be appointed to senior leadership positions because they could take important decisions without trying to interfere with the work of others. The clever and industrious should be made their deputies. The stupid and lazy should be sent to the front line, but the stupid and industrious should be pushed out of the army immediately at once because they are a danger to everyone.


 Last edited by: tungsten on April 2, 2019, 3:02 p.m., edited 1 time in total.
April 2, 2019, 6:13 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

Years ago a buddy set me up on a blind date. He told me "Just so you know, she's expecting a baby".

Man, I felt real stupid waiting for her at the restaurant wearing nothing but a diaper.

April 29, 2019, 10:24 p.m.
Posts: 396
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

Story of a student

Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, Bart's teacher was always yelling at him, "Bart! You're driving me crazy!"  
One day, Bart's mother came to school to check on how he was doing.   The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster,
getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career.  The mother was so shocked at the feedback
that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Vancouver, and relocated to Yellowknife.  

Twenty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open
heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in Canada who could perform the operation and he was located at the Yellowknife Hospital.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.  

When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.  She wanted to thank him, but could not talk.
Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what could
possibly have gone wrong so suddenly...

Then he turned around and saw our friend Bart, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.  
If you thought for one moment that Bart had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you voted for Justin Trudeau.

Oct. 10, 2019, 6:25 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; What does having sex with a senior citizen taste like?                                                    A; Depends.

Oct. 11, 2019, 12:18 p.m.
Posts: 1479
Joined: Feb. 26, 2015

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around.

Nov. 21, 2019, 7:29 p.m.
Posts: 396
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

So I'm picking up my new seat post as the postal outlet by work and just doing some idle chit chat with the clerk and she asked what I got and I said it's a dropper seat post. She had no idea so I explained it to her. Just then this cute girl comes up to the counter next to us so I said "Yeah it's 8 inches. I can't wait to get home and try it out, it's going to be perferct!" The horrified look on her face as I stood there with the box and this big smile on my face was priceless.

Dec. 2, 2019, 3:55 p.m.
Posts: 14029
Joined: Dec. 30, 2002

Posted by: syncro

So I'm picking up my new seat post as the postal outlet by work and just doing some idle chit chat with the clerk and she asked what I got and I said it's a dropper seat post. She had no idea so I explained it to her. Just then this cute girl comes up to the counter next to us so I said "Yeah it's 8 inches. I can't wait to get home and try it out, it's going to be perferct!" The horrified look on her face as I stood there with the box and this big smile on my face was priceless.

Obviously horrified because it was only 8 inches...

March 10, 2020, 7:46 p.m.
Posts: 2102
Joined: May 23, 2006

An old sea captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color – green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The young man, noticing that the captain was staring at him, turned to him and said “What’s the matter old timer—never done anything wild in your life?” 
The old captain snorted. “Sure. I got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!”

“I really have had enough of illogical detraction by association as a way of avoiding logical argument by an absurd extension of ad hominem argument to third parties.”

March 11, 2020, 7:14 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor & says "Make me one with everything".

March 12, 2020, 6:30 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

What gets easier to pick up the heavier it becomes?                      A woman.

March 12, 2020, 9:49 p.m.
Posts: 1479
Joined: Feb. 26, 2015

Posted by: Stuminator

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor & says "Make me one with everything".

The buddist gives the vendor a ten dollar bill, the hotdogs are 5 dollars. The vendor gives the buddist a hot dog but no change. The buddist asks for his change... Vendor says " change comes from within."

March 13, 2020, 9:49 p.m.
Posts: 5680
Joined: April 10, 2005

This dude's wife goes out golfing. In a half hour she's back & screeches to a halt in the driveway. She storms into the house all upset & throws her clubs on the floor. The husband asks what went wrong, as she just left a half hour ago. "I got stung by a bee" she says. He asks where. She says "Between the first & second hole". He says "I can tell you right now your stance is too wide."

Forum jump: