The NSMB Random Joke Thread

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, I'm sorry, but the manager says we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for a cat.The little old lady went home,picked up her cat,brought it to the store and they then sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, and management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for a dog.So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, no, you might have a snake in there.The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, What got on my finger? It smells like shit.The little old lady said it is. I want to buy a package of toilet paper.

Whitney Houston is seven days clean and sober today.

Whitney Houston is seven days clean and sober today.

Totally uncalled for.

Little Johnny was sitting in the back of class when the teacher started asking trivia questions.

"What was the name of the man who invented the lightbulb, class?" She asked.

Little Suzy stuck up her hand right away and said "Thomas Edison did, Teacher!"

The teacher replied that little Suzy was right, and could take the rest of the day off school. Suzy looked distraught… "I am not allowed to take days off school, it is against my Jewish faith"

So the teacher asked another question. "Class, who was the last Canadian to set a world record for sprinting?"

Little Tommy replied with his hand up in the air "Donovan Baily, Teacher!"

"Very good Tommy, you can take the rest of the day off school"

"No, teacher, I can't. You see, I'm Jewish too"

From the back of the class a child yelled out "Fuck the Jews"

The teacher became instantly cross and visibly angry, "WHO SAID THAT?"

Little Johnny stuck up his hand immediately "Adolf Hitler. See ya Monday".

note for the politically correct types - I harbor no hate towards people of a Jewish faith, Muslim faith, or of any skin color… I just think the joke is funny. Incidentally, so do my Jewish friends.

Donovan Bailey is Canadian

Donovan Bailey is Canadian

Oh, look… I'm ritarded.

My mates wife went missing last weekend. She said she was only going out for a pint of milk, and hasn't been seen since. I just called him to ask him how he was coping. "Not too bad.", he said, "I've been using that powdered stuff."

\killjoy

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic…

"Try doing it with the engine running."

"What was the name of the man who invented the lightbulb, class?" She asked.

Little Suzy stuck up her hand right away and said "Thomas Edison did, Teacher!"

The teacher replied that little Suzy was right, and could take the rest of the day off school.

Little Suzy gets detention, because she's wrong.

Humphry Davy invented the incandescent light bulb in 1806. The filament would burn out in only a few minutes, but he later improved it for use as the "Miner's Safety Lamp" in 1815. This was a huge improvement over using torches or candles for mining coal, which was just a little bit exciting given the fact that coal seams often produce methane gas.

The first US patent for the incandescent bulb was registered in 1875 by Henry Woodward and Matthew Evans. Edison purchased the rights to this patent.

Edison replaced the charcoal filament that others before him used with a harder carbon filament and figured out how to evacuate almost all of the oxygen out of the bulb. Thus, Edison's contribution was to build an incandescent bulb that lasted longer than 40 hours before burning out. By switching to a carbon fiber filament made from bamboo, Edison eventually made a bulb that would last 1200 hours.

Edison did not "invent" the light bulb at all … he improved on the designs of others, done nearly a century before his ideas were added!

Fun with American revisionist history!!

Kn.

Little Suzy gets detention, because she's wrong.

Humphry Davy invented the incandescent light bulb in 1806. The filament would burn out in only a few minutes, but he later improved it for use as the "Miner's Safety Lamp" in 1815. This was a huge improvement over using torches or candles for mining coal, which was just a little bit exciting given the fact that coal seams often produce methane gas.

The first US patent for the incandescent bulb was registered in 1875 by Henry Woodward and Matthew Evans. Edison purchased the rights to this patent.

Edison replaced the charcoal filament that others before him used with a harder carbon filament and figured out how to evacuate almost all of the oxygen out of the bulb. Thus, Edison's contribution was to build an incandescent bulb that lasted longer than 40 hours before burning out. By switching to a carbon fiber filament made from bamboo, Edison eventually made a bulb that would last 1200 hours.

Edison did not "invent" the light bulb at all … he improved on the designs of others, done nearly a century before his ideas were added!

Fun with American revisionist history!!

Kn.

I don't get it? What's the punch line it this joke?

I don't get it? What's the punch line it this joke?

Americans constantly repeat that Edison invented the light bulb, and even teach it to school children, though it's not true.

What a fucking joke.

Kn.

What's what five inches long and not getting sucked anymore?

Whitney Houstons Crack pipe.