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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

April 10, 2021, 10:40 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

When confronted with a difficult decisions, some people will ask "What would Jesus do?".

My usual reply is "Hide in a cave for three days pretending he's dead?"

April 10, 2021, 10:42 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

A man arrived at the emergency room with 20 plastic horses stuck up his ass...

They reported his condition as stable..

 Last edited by: tungsten on April 10, 2021, 11:45 p.m., edited 1 time in total.
April 10, 2021, 10:56 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

Three-legged dog pushes into a dark Western saloon. Looks around at the the tense locals.

"I'm looking for the man that shot my Paw."

April 11, 2021, 3:16 p.m.
Posts: 6055
Joined: April 10, 2005

My dog just gave birth to puppies, but was arrested for littering.

April 12, 2021, 1:07 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

Canadians have a saying that goes something like this. With our historical heritage we could have had French cuisine, English culture, and American efficiency. But we ended up with English cuisine, American culture, and French efficiency.

April 28, 2021, 7:09 p.m.
Posts: 6055
Joined: April 10, 2005

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury & Princess Diana? Freddie actually became a queen.

How are cellphones & Princess Diana similar? They both die in tunnels.

May 24, 2021, 12:29 a.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

Last Tuesday President Biden got off the helicopter in front of

the White House - carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted

and said: "Nice Pigs, Sir".

The President replied: "These are not Pigs. These are Authentic

Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-President Kamala

Harris and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.

The squared-away again snapped to attention, saluted, and said:

"Excellent trade, sir."

June 4, 2021, 6:50 p.m.
Posts: 6055
Joined: April 10, 2005

I got carded at the liquor store and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind.

 Last edited by: Stuminator on June 4, 2021, 6:51 p.m., edited 2 times in total.
June 24, 2021, 8:18 p.m.
Posts: 6055
Joined: April 10, 2005

Two guys walk into a bar. You think after the first guy walked into it, the second guy would have seen it.

June 27, 2021, 11:42 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

July 2, 2021, 4:29 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer

said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was

destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my

house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance

company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer puzzedly asked, “How do you start a flood?”

July 3, 2021, 10:58 a.m.
Posts: 1919
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

There are a  physicist, a chemist and an engineer sitting around in the office and they're all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. 

The physicist measures the diameter of the ball, takes a couple minutes to do a a triple integral without using a calculator to find the volume and then smiles while casting a superior glance at the other two.
The chemist smirks and gets a beaker full of water and drops the ball in and reads the change in volume off the side of the beaker.
The engineer just rolls their eyes, reads the serial number off the ball and then gets the Red Rubber Ball book off the shelf and looks up the volume.

July 10, 2021, 3:15 p.m.
Posts: 15538
Joined: Dec. 30, 2002

So there's two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, you drive and I'llllll take the turret.

July 12, 2021, 2:26 p.m.
Posts: 383
Joined: Feb. 24, 2017

A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

July 22, 2021, 4:31 p.m.
Posts: 3643
Joined: May 23, 2006

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat.”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table.”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself adrift on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, then another, and another.

After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the ship?”

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