The NSMB Random Joke Thread

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

I was at the ATM the other day getting some money when this old lady walks up [HTML_REMOVED] asks me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her.

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra….

Maybe I should get a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can really see myself doing.

I woke up the other morning [HTML_REMOVED] everything in my room had been replaced by an exact duplicate.

If you are cold, go stand in the corner. They're usually 90 degrees.

I was up all night last night. I was awake wondering where the sun went after it set, then it dawned on me.

My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said "I'm not sure. It's hard to keep track."

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.'

The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her ex, so I dumped her.

I'm reading a really good book called "Anti-Gravity". I can't put it down.

Giraffe walks into a bar and say"The highballs are on me."

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet

and one for KenN…

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

Guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says "One for me and one for the road"

Never trust an atom…they make up everything.

Two atoms walking down the road and one turns to the other and says "hey I think I lost an electron". The other says "you sure?" First one says "yeah I'm positive."