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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Jan. 30, 2016, 8:49 a.m.
Posts: 13934
Joined: March 15, 2003

One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Feb. 28, 2016, 9:23 p.m.
Posts: 6014
Joined: April 10, 2005

I was at the ATM the other day getting some money when this old lady walks up [HTML_REMOVED] asks me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her.

July 11, 2016, 6:09 p.m.
Posts: 6014
Joined: April 10, 2005

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra….

Maybe I should get a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can really see myself doing.

I woke up the other morning [HTML_REMOVED] everything in my room had been replaced by an exact duplicate.

If you are cold, go stand in the corner. They're usually 90 degrees.

Oct. 13, 2016, 6:19 p.m.
Posts: 6014
Joined: April 10, 2005

I was up all night last night. I was awake wondering where the sun went after it set, then it dawned on me.

Nov. 6, 2016, 6:27 p.m.
Posts: 6014
Joined: April 10, 2005

My boss said to me "You're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said "I'm not sure. It's hard to keep track."

Nov. 7, 2016, 7:42 a.m.
Posts: 1781
Joined: Feb. 26, 2015

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voise saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.'

The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

People always ask me what's the phenomenon
Yo what's up? Yo what's goin' on- Adam Yauch

Nov. 15, 2016, 6:49 p.m.
Posts: 6014
Joined: April 10, 2005

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her ex, so I dumped her.

I'm reading a really good book called "Anti-Gravity". I can't put it down.

Nov. 20, 2016, 11:42 a.m.
Posts: 664
Joined: March 9, 2005

Giraffe walks into a bar and say"The highballs are on me."

The raw, primitive, unrefined trails that see little to no maintenance are the kinds of trails that really build skill. What kind of skills do you learn riding a trail that was made by a machine, groomed to perfection and void of any rocks, roots or other obstacles that could send you careening over the handlebars?

Nov. 20, 2016, 12:06 p.m.
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity ~ Seneca

Nov. 20, 2016, 12:12 p.m.
Posts: 1729
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb? Let’s go play on our bikes.

Why can’t a bike stand on its own? It’s two tired.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes — we haven’t gotten a gig yet

and one for KenN…

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity ~ Seneca

Nov. 20, 2016, 12:59 p.m.
Posts: 33664
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey, why the long face?"

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

Nov. 20, 2016, 1:19 p.m.
Posts: 664
Joined: March 9, 2005

Guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says "One for me and one for the road"

The raw, primitive, unrefined trails that see little to no maintenance are the kinds of trails that really build skill. What kind of skills do you learn riding a trail that was made by a machine, groomed to perfection and void of any rocks, roots or other obstacles that could send you careening over the handlebars?

Nov. 20, 2016, 4:48 p.m.
Posts: 6014
Joined: April 10, 2005

Never trust an atom…they make up everything.

Nov. 20, 2016, 5:16 p.m.
Posts: 429
Joined: Feb. 28, 2005

Two atoms walking down the road and one turns to the other and says "hey I think I lost an electron". The other says "you sure?" First one says "yeah I'm positive."

Nov. 20, 2016, 6:42 p.m.
Posts: 33664
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

Wow - the geekness factor is high.

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

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