The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Q; How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A; Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

A guy walks into a saloon [HTML_REMOVED] sees what looks like a dog playing poker. He asks the bartender "Is that dog really playing poker?" The bartender replies; "Yup he really is playing poker. He's not very good at it though". The dude asks "Why not?" The bartender replies; "Well every time he gets a good hand, his tail starts wagging".

An obviously wealthy and slightly obnoxious man in a nice suit is outside of domestic departures at YVR. He's slightly distressed, and looking anxiously around. He sees a young man with long hair, a SRAM hat, and a soft luggage that is evidently carrying a quiver of skis.

"Excuse me…" said the wealthy man. "This is rather embarrassing, but I seem to have lost my wallet, and I simply have to get back to Calgary for a very important meeting, and I need $10 dollars to pay for my flight."

"Whoa…" said the young man who looked like your average member of numb.com "You only need $10 bucks to get you back to Calgary?"

"Yes yes…" said the obnoxious man in the expensive suit, rather impatiently.

"OK, man…" said the young man. "If $10 bucks is all that's needed to get you back to Calgary, then here's $100 bucks. Go take 9 of your fucking friends with you."

Substitute SRAM hat for Pinkbike hat.

Top 10 Country Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

And the Number One Country [HTML_REMOVED] Western song is…
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47." Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

i got a sweater for xmas. i was hoping for a moaner or a screamer, but i got a sweater.

Q; What is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer?

A; Comet.

fb repost…

Al wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Al, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

Al groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

Al perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

Al agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says Al.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says Al.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite counter tops."

An 80 year old couple goes to the doctor and tell him they wanna have kids. The doctor says it's not possible at their advanced age. They disagree saying they have read about it [HTML_REMOVED] they want to try. So the doctor gives them a jar [HTML_REMOVED] says to go home and fill it. They bring the jar back at their next appointment and it is empty. The man says "Doc, I tried my left hand. I tried my right hand. Heck the wife even tried her mouth. But we can't get the lid off"!

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for the fresh prints

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please".
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and
the right amount of money Would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something; but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right.. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers.
"My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. Sex with 2 people is called a twosome. Don't be offended if someone calls you handsome.