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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

July 31, 2013, 9:59 p.m.
Posts: 5487
Joined: April 10, 2005

What the hell?…Am I the only one who knows any jokes here? This guy's wife comes home from playing golf [HTML_REMOVED] throws down her clubs all mad. He asks her "What's wrong?" She says "I got stung by a bee". Him; "Where'd you get stung". Her; "Between the 1st [HTML_REMOVED] 2nd hole". Him; "Well I can tell you right now, your stance is too wide."

Sept. 15, 2013, 9:56 a.m.
Posts: 16284
Joined: March 15, 2003

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

Sept. 15, 2013, 9:59 a.m.
Posts: 1126
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

What the hell?…Am I the only one who knows any jokes here?

well, after reading that last post by zedbra i would have to say yes.

context is everything

Sept. 15, 2013, 10:01 a.m.
Posts: 2285
Joined: Feb. 5, 2005

What is the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

That's the problem with cities, they're refuges for the weak, the fish that didn't evolve.

I don't want to google this - sounds like a thing that NSMB will be better at.

Sept. 15, 2013, 10:19 a.m.
Posts: 16284
Joined: March 15, 2003

well, after reading that last post by zedbra i would have to say yes.

Here's a good joke - Syncro whines in every thread about the negativity of this forum, preaches about how he will gallantly lead the moral restructuring, yet says negative shit in every other thread. Hypocrites are a joke.

I will continue to work on my better moral now.

Sept. 15, 2013, 10:41 a.m.
Posts: 1126
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

There were 11 people – ten men and one woman – hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return.

When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.

context is everything

Sept. 15, 2013, 3:49 p.m.
Posts: 5487
Joined: April 10, 2005

Ten years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash [HTML_REMOVED] Steve Jobs. Now we have no hope, no cash [HTML_REMOVED] no jobs………. I sure hope Kevin Bacon doesn't die!

Sept. 15, 2013, 6:54 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

My Wife and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my Wife ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my Wife would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later she got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

Oct. 11, 2013, 10:42 p.m.
Posts: 5487
Joined: April 10, 2005

This guy goes to the hospital for an operation. When he gets back, his wife notices that for the next 2 weeks he has absolutely no interest in sex. She angrily phones the hospital [HTML_REMOVED] talks to the doctor. Wife; "Since my husband came back from the hospital, he's had no interest in sex. What the hell did you do to him anyways?" Dr; "But madam, the only thing we did to him was operate on his eyes to improve his vision".

Oct. 19, 2013, 4:47 p.m.
Posts: 1937
Joined: Jan. 5, 2010

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, [HTML_REMOVED]#8220;I brought ten apples.[HTML_REMOVED]#8221; The king then explained, [HTML_REMOVED]#8220;Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you[HTML_REMOVED]#8217;ll be eaten.[HTML_REMOVED]#8221; The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;2[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;3[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;4[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;5[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;6[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;7[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;8[HTML_REMOVED]#8230;and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, [HTML_REMOVED]#8220;Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it![HTML_REMOVED]#8221; The second one replied, [HTML_REMOVED]#8220;I couldn[HTML_REMOVED]#8217;t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.[HTML_REMOVED]#8221;

Oct. 23, 2013, 1:11 a.m.
Posts: 1126
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

A recent study in the New England Journal of Medicine revealed the type of face a woman finds attractive depending on where she is her menstrual cycle. If a woman is ovulating she tends to be attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. However if she is mestruating or menopausal she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest all while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

context is everything

Oct. 29, 2013, 12:18 a.m.
Posts: 5487
Joined: April 10, 2005

Did you hear about the scarecrow who won an award for being outstanding in his field?

Oct. 31, 2013, 9:30 a.m.
Posts: 1126
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

A boy comes home from school at 7pm., His dad says "Boy, where were you?"

boy: " I was with Jessica." He replied.

dad: " What were you doing?"

boy: " We were studying."

After picking a snack off the table the son says "These fishcakes are great Dad. "

Dad replies, " Wash your hands son, they're donuts."

context is everything

Jan. 9, 2014, 6:06 p.m.
Posts: 5487
Joined: April 10, 2005

Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river? When the cops got there they found him in Seine.

March 19, 2014, 3:07 p.m.
Posts: 191
Joined: Aug. 21, 2013

A man is being courted by three beautiful, talented, smart women. He values each of them, but he also values monogamy, and thus decides he must choose just one woman to be with.

He asks each of them, "If I gave you $5000 right now, what would you do with it?"

Woman #1: I would buy a new dress, get my hair and nails done, and look as beautiful as possible for you my darling.

Woman #2: I would invest the money, to help us live a full and financially stable life together.

Woman #3: I would buy you the best damn set of golf clubs money can buy, since I know you love golf so much.

The man considers these answers, all wonderful and thoughtful in their own way, and sleeps on it before making a decision.

Then he chooses the one with the biggest tits.


:japan:

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