The NSMB Random Joke Thread

What do you call a black man who can fly a plane?

A pilot, you racist.

JESUS HAVING A PINT

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar.
They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock. "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong, my son?" says Jesus.
The Newfie shouts, "Don’t touch me, I'm on Workers Compensation!"

How do you know when someone is from New York City?

Oh, they'll tell you

Q; Why do you see so many crows by the side of the road that have been killed by trucks? A; Cause they can only say "Car, car, car".

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………..'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight……let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow!………………….That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied…………….'Get your own f…ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ……………………..he farted.

Q; What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth? A; Einstein's cock.

Q; How are women [HTML_REMOVED] KFC alike? A; Once you're done with the breasts [HTML_REMOVED] thighs, you stick your bone into a greasy box.

Oldie but a goody

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida . One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota , but you're not on the farm anymore, son." The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing………'"

8/10

An old lady was asked,

"At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get : Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"
The wise old lady answered,

"Definitely Parkinsons - Better to spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."

rep no worky. couple gooders there

You know, women are so sensitive about their hair. I mean the other day my girlfreind comes home from the salon the other day after getting 2 inches of her hair cut off. She whined [HTML_REMOVED] cried for like 2 hours afterwards. I said "Why are you crying? I'm the one who has to find a new girlfreind".