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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Feb. 24, 2012, 7 p.m.
Posts: 16107
Joined: Nov. 20, 2002

What do you get when you cross a Hell's Angel and a Jehovah Witness?

Someone who knocks on your door on Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off

That just makes me think of Boris the Bullet Dodger


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rHHLfAmB8zc

Kn.

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity.

When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called religion.

Feb. 24, 2012, 8:09 p.m.
Posts: 5458
Joined: April 10, 2005

Some of Rodney Dangerfield's old jokes; 1- I just came back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 2- My doctor told me to jog 5 miles a day. I called him back after a week [HTML_REMOVED] said "Doc, I'm 35 miles from home". 3- I told my doctor that my arm hurt in 2 places. He told me don't go to those places. 4- Man my kid goes to a tough school. I was there the other day [HTML_REMOVED] as I was walking down the hallway I heard a teacher ask her class "What comes after a sentence?" A kid yells out "You make an appeal".

Feb. 26, 2012, 2:22 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

I did the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he banged her every night during their 5 year
relationship (and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it
ends up costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court
costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges
$4,000 an hour. Crazy, right?

But…

Had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've
paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a savings of
$41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging,
no coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around
you, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves
when you're done, and comes back the next day, ready for another round. All
at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or is it better to rent?

Feb. 26, 2012, 2:40 p.m.
Posts: 15019
Joined: April 5, 2007

Boats planes and babes are all cheaper to rent than own!

Why slag free swag?:rolleyes:

ummm, as your doctor i recommend against riding with a scaphoid fracture.

Feb. 26, 2012, 2:46 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

This might have been posted already….but I still think its funny as hell…

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?"

A man stands up, unbuttons his shirt revealing his perfectly formed pecks. Then his rock hard 6 pack. He walks up to her and removes his shirt the rest of the way. She says with excitement in her breath, "Can you make me feel like a woman?" He looks deep into her eyes and says "I sure can….Iron this."


An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'


A man and woman were having marital problems so they went
to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground
from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about any-
thing the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us
sucks dick."

Feb. 26, 2012, 6:14 p.m.
Posts: 0
Joined: Sept. 12, 2009

Boats planes and babes are all cheaper to rent than own!

My dad always said, "If it flies, floats or fucks, its cheaper to rent"

Feb. 26, 2012, 6:23 p.m.
Posts: 15019
Joined: April 5, 2007

My dad always said, "If it flies, floats or fucks, its cheaper to rent"

thats the one

Why slag free swag?:rolleyes:

ummm, as your doctor i recommend against riding with a scaphoid fracture.

Feb. 26, 2012, 6:58 p.m.
Posts: 16284
Joined: March 15, 2003

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.

Feb. 26, 2012, 9:14 p.m.
Posts: 0
Joined: Sept. 12, 2009

A guy rolls into the kitchen with a blow up sheep hanging off the end of his knob and says "This is the pig I fuck when your not around"
His wife looks over and says "That's a sheep dumbass"
Guy says "I wasn't talking to you"

Feb. 26, 2012, 10:33 p.m.
Posts: 18445
Joined: May 29, 2004

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'


A man and woman were having marital problems so they went
to see a marriage counselor.

The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground
from which to begin his analysis said, "Tell me about any-
thing the two of you have in common."

The husband spoke up and said, "Well, neither one of us
sucks dick."

winners.

Feb. 27, 2012, 10:35 a.m.
Posts: 7655
Joined: Feb. 15, 2005

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint…

I have 21,474,850 rep points...

My blog - read it!

http://www.citizenclass.ca

Feb. 27, 2012, 4:02 p.m.
Posts: 352
Joined: Oct. 27, 2005

The Theory of Intelligence

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

:canada:

Feb. 27, 2012, 4:30 p.m.
Posts: 15019
Joined: April 5, 2007

Whats green and smells like pork?

Kermit the Frogs fingers!

Why slag free swag?:rolleyes:

ummm, as your doctor i recommend against riding with a scaphoid fracture.

Feb. 27, 2012, 5:50 p.m.
Posts: 6449
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

How do you know your mechanic got laid last night?

He's got two clean fingers.

How do you know a hippy slept on your couch last night?

He's still there.

Feb. 27, 2012, 6:04 p.m.
Posts: 0
Joined: Feb. 2, 2005

Why do they put up fences around graveyards?

People are just dying to get in.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

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