The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Why do babies cry at birth?

Because they know they have to do it again.

My wife is like a newspaper. Every day there's a new issue.

Smoking can kill you. Bacon can kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?” 

Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”

Anna: “Your husband he say so.”

Wife: “Really?”

Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”

Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”

Anna: “Your husband said.”

Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”

Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Q; What do the movies Titanic & The 6th sense have in common? A; Icy dead people.

Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

A cop just knocked on my door & told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.

Henny Youngman wants to hire you...  :-)

Did you hear about that terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the tailpipe.

I have a stepladder. I never knew my real ladder.

A friend of mine bought 2 tickets to the Super Bowl & realized later that it's the same day as his wedding. Therefore he's looking for someone to take his place. If interested, it's at St. Paul's Anglican Church, 1130 Jervis street, Vancouver at 11:00 am.

The other day I saw this midget carrying a big TV, so I asked him "Hey, do you want help carrying that flat screen TV?" He said "It's an I-pad you fucking dick!"

Am Irishman walks out of a bar.....well it could happen.

Jesus said "Faith in me can move mountains."
Mohammed said "Faith in me can re-move skyscrapers."

What do Dale Earnhardt & Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was the Wall.

A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door the other day, so I invited him in & gave him some coffee & donuts. Then I asked "So what's all this Jehovah's witness stuff about anyways?" He replied "I have no fucking idea, I've never gotten this far before."

I hear that midget actor Verne Troyer died. He lived a short life.

The opposite of Christopher Reeve? Christopher Walken.

Did you hear about that Waffle House shooting? One guy got shot in the leg. He'll be going to IHOP from now on.

A little soon don't you think?😆

Was sitting at the bar, having a convo with this woman about why women dont like to give BJ's. She asked " have you ever given one?" I said, "yeah...almost broke my back."