The NSMB Random Joke Thread

CNN broadcasts porn

I always wanted to learn how to play the violin when I was a kid. Actually, we had one in the house when I was a kid but Mom said don't fiddle with it.

I always take 2 pairs of pants when I go golfing in case I get a hole in one.

I have a lot of jokes about unemployed guys, but none of them work.

Bob; I just finished making out with twins.
Frank; How could you tell them apart?
Bob; The brother had a moustache.

I made a play list for hiking. It's got music from The Peanuts, the Cranberries [HTML_REMOVED] Eminem. I'm calling it my trail mix.

I was talking to my Mexican friend about Trump's wall. He's not too worried about it - they'll get over it.

Q; Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippies? A; They were too far out, man.

Not really a joke, but it had me in tears ...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/09/le-cinq-paris-restaurant-review-jay-rayner

"<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">The dining room, deep in the hotel, is a broad space of high ceilings and coving, with thick carpets to muffle the screams. It is decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and fuck you. There’s a little gilt here and there, to remind us that this is a room designed for people for whom guilt is unfamiliar. It shouts money much as football fans shout at the ref. There’s a stool for the lady’s handbag. Well, of course there is."</span>

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;"></span>

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">"</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">Other things are the stuff of therapy. The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by </span>Ferran Adrià<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">at </span>El Bulli<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;"> about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says. Spherifications of various kinds – bursting, popping, deflating, always ill-advised – turn up on many dishes. It’s their trick, their shtick, their big idea. It’s all they have. Another canapé, tuile enclosing scallop mush, introduces us to the kitchen’s love of acidity. Not bright, light aromatic acidity of the sort provided by, say, yuzu. This is blunt acidity of the sort that polishes up dulled brass coins."</span>

Posted by: KenN

Not really a joke, but it had me in tears ...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/09/le-cinq-paris-restaurant-review-jay-rayner

"<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">The dining room, deep in the hotel, is a broad space of high ceilings and coving, with thick carpets to muffle the screams. It is decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and fuck you. There’s a little gilt here and there, to remind us that this is a room designed for people for whom guilt is unfamiliar. It shouts money much as football fans shout at the ref. There’s a stool for the lady’s handbag. Well, of course there is."</span>

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;"></span>

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">"</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">Other things are the stuff of therapy. The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by </span>Ferran Adrià<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">at </span>El Bulli<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;"> about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says. Spherifications of various kinds – bursting, popping, deflating, always ill-advised – turn up on many dishes. It’s their trick, their shtick, their big idea. It’s all they have. Another canapé, tuile enclosing scallop mush, introduces us to the kitchen’s love of acidity. Not bright, light aromatic acidity of the sort provided by, say, yuzu. This is blunt acidity of the sort that polishes up dulled brass coins."</span>

No seriously, could I please just be able to copy/paste some simple bits of text without a bunch of stupid formatting syntax injecting itself?  Geeze.

I bought my work boots off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.

So Angela Merkel walks into a beer tent.......oops, wrong thread...

How much deeper would the ocean be if it didn't contain any sponges?
An ex-fortune teller broke out of prison. The public was told to look out for a small medium at large.

A man rushed into the doctor's office & shouted "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking"! The doctor calmly responded "Now settle down, you'll just have to be a little patient".

A man walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a banana in his left ear & a carrot in his right ear.
"What's wrong with me doc?"the man asked.
The Dr. took one look and pronounced "You're not eating properly."

Nurse; "Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room". Doctor; "tell him I can't see him right now"

Moar great (?) jokes to amuse the NBR crowd.
Q; What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? A; Tennish.
My pregnant dog was arrested for littering.
Q; What does Batman get in his drinks? A; Just ice.