The NSMB Random Joke Thread

^I'm sending that one to my boss, it's right up his alley

^I'm sending that one to my boss, it's right up his alley

I don't get it.

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.

We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom…you still awake?'

Everyone at the bar called me a pedophile because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 40.

It ruined our tenth anniversary.

So theres two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, you drive, I'll take the turret.

Q; Why didn't the brother help the sister? A; He couldn't be a brother [HTML_REMOVED] "assist her" too.

Hear about the guy who had a stroke [HTML_REMOVED] his left side was paralyzed? He's all right now.

So most of you know I have had dogs/share dogs with a close friend. The other day I was at PetSmart buying a large bag of Iam's and while standing inline at the check-out a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse I told her no, that I was starting the Iam's diet again although I probably shouldn't because last time I'd ended up in the hospital. But, at least I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Iam's nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry [HTML_REMOVED] that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the dog food.

I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hardas he staggered out the door.

:clap:

Q; Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? A; Cause whenever she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov at a restaurant the other night and there was a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

Q; Where does an Arabian park his camel? A; In Camelot.

A taxi driver told me this one the other day:

A Japanese businessman comes to Beijing and takes a taxi from the airport to his hotel. On the way he see several Japanese made automobiles. He points them out to the driver as he sees them. "See that motorbike? It's a Suzuki, made in Japan, very fast!" He sees a Mitsubishi Evo and says the same thing. "Mitsibushi! Good car! Made in Japan, very fast! Then he sees a Nissan GT and excitedly points that one out too. "Nissan! Good car! Made in Japan! Very fast!" Finally they arrive at the hotel and the driver says "That'll be 600 yuan" an outrageous fare.

The businessman is incredulous. "600 Yuan!?? Why so expensive?"

To which the driver replies: "My meter, it's a very good meter, made in Japan, very fast."