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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Aug. 1, 2012, 12:18 p.m.
Posts: 87
Joined: Sept. 7, 2010

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus… You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son…..I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

Aug. 2, 2012, 8:14 p.m.
Posts: 2604
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

Here is a golf ethics question for you.

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma:

Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.

Aug. 2, 2012, 8:29 p.m.
Posts: 1084
Joined: Aug. 10, 2010

Aug. 2, 2012, 11:19 p.m.
Posts: 6153
Joined: April 10, 2005

Maybe this should go into the Olympic thread, but here goes…A husband [HTML_REMOVED] wife are competing for Britain in the London Olympics. As you well know, free condoms were handed out to athletes. The husband says to the wife "Maybe I'll try the gold colored ones tonight." The wife replies "Why don't you use the silver ones [HTML_REMOVED] come second for a change".

Aug. 3, 2012, 9:19 p.m.
Posts: 2604
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

Wife left a note on the fridge:

This isn't working.
I'm staying at my mother's

I opened the door and the light came on and the beer was still cold so I am not sure what she was talking about.

Aug. 4, 2012, 7:06 p.m.
Posts: 6153
Joined: April 10, 2005

3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a dude in an overcoat stops in front of them. He whips open the overcoat [HTML_REMOVED] flashes them. Well the 1st old lady had a stroke. Then the 2nd old lady had a stroke. Then the 3rd old lady…well, she couldn't reach that far.

Aug. 21, 2012, 2:03 p.m.
Posts: 33859
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping: “Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.”

Husband: “O.K., hun.”. Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.

Wife: “Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

Husband: “They had eggs.”

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

Sept. 16, 2012, 4:24 a.m.
Posts: 33859
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

The postal code for Delta is V4G1N4. Fitting.

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

Oct. 15, 2012, 9:43 p.m.
Posts: 33859
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

A Canadian Army N.C.O. was about to start the morning briefing to all of his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the N.C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure?"

A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work.' A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%. A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the N.C.O. turned to the Newfoundland Private
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Newfoundlander responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir." The N.C.O. was a little surprised and, as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier?"
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir."

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

Dec. 5, 2012, 7:56 p.m.
Posts: 6153
Joined: April 10, 2005

A seal walks into a bar [HTML_REMOVED] asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks what kind of drink he wants. The seal replies "Anything but a Canadian Club." (This next one may be a repeat) Q; Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? A; He was looking for a tight seal.

Dec. 6, 2012, 4:04 p.m.
Posts: 0
Joined: May 16, 2012

Just a disclaimer, my German friend told me this joke.

In WWII, the American army decided to develop a new strategy to rout the Germans. They found that the most common German name was "Fritz". As the Americans walked through the forest they would shout out "FRITZ! FRITZ! Is that you??"
The German's would yell back "Yes! over here!"

BANG!

"FRITZ! FRITZ"
"over here!"

BANG!

Eventually, after suffering large losses, the Germans started to catch on. They decided to try the same tactic.

"John! John! Is that you??"

but there was no reply

Again, "John! John!"

"Fritz! is that you?!"

"OH! Yeah!"

BANG!

Dec. 27, 2012, 8:20 a.m.
Posts: 13934
Joined: March 15, 2003

I was told to stick this here, not the picture thread:

Jan. 1, 2013, 6:07 p.m.
Posts: 6153
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; Whaddya get when you cross Elton John with a saber-tooth tiger? A; I dunno, but don't let him get anywhere near your ass.

Jan. 1, 2013, 7:11 p.m.
Posts: 13934
Joined: March 15, 2003

What did Rock Hudson say to Liberace before his final performance?

Let me push in your stool one last time.

Feb. 1, 2013, 6:01 p.m.
Posts: 6153
Joined: April 10, 2005

Two blondes are talking [HTML_REMOVED] one asks "What's closer, the moon or Florida?" The other blonde answers "Pfftt, you can't SEE Florida."

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