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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

March 29, 2012, 5:32 a.m.
Posts: 16284
Joined: March 15, 2003

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

April 13, 2012, 7:54 p.m.
Posts: 16284
Joined: March 15, 2003

The Irishman and the priest

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran ov er to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

April 24, 2012, 5:38 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?. He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

April 24, 2012, 6:33 p.m.
Posts: 1084
Joined: Aug. 10, 2010

^^must spread rep. :lol::lol:
_THE LOVE DRESS__ _

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's
House.

She knocked on the door then immediately
Walked in. She was shocked to see her
Daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally
Naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
Perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
Work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law
Explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she
Explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
Dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages
Me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
Undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
Dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
On the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
And saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered,
Sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?

May 6, 2012, 8:18 a.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small, empty bowl.
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this?"

"It was Mama Bear who got up first, it was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mama Bear who made the coffee, it was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mama Bear who set the table, it was Mama Bear who walked the dog, put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the dog's and cat's water and food dishes, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry asses downstairs, and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your presence. Listen up, because I'm only going to say this one more time…"

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"


The Gay Cowboy…
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

June 16, 2012, 12:04 a.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on"

June 16, 2012, 6:26 a.m.
Posts: 3512
Joined: Aug. 4, 2009

An Amish man is standing behind a horse with his hand up its ass to his elbow. What do you call him?

.

.

.

.

.

A mechanic.

June 20, 2012, 5:58 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

McDonalds is coming out with a Michael Jackson burger. It's a 40 year old piece of meat between 2- 12 year old buns. What did Michael Jackson say when he fell overboard? "Throw me a buoy, throw me a buoy!"

June 21, 2012, 10:39 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

Too bad Michael Jackson died. His line of men's wear was doing so well, he was thinking of getting into boy's pants.

July 5, 2012, 6:49 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" "Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

July 11, 2012, 6:27 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

July 19, 2012, 8:26 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

July 20, 2012, 5:50 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; Why don't women fart as much as men? A; They don't shut up long enough to let any pressure build up!

July 31, 2012, 6:30 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas [HTML_REMOVED] a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance, with a face like that!'

A 10 year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last thng on my mind at the moment.'

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself…I'm going to take that.

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him Where am I? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in that basket.

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was, Where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

July 31, 2012, 10:22 p.m.
Posts: 11685
Joined: Aug. 11, 2003

I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluid. He says he can stop any time he wants.

I saw a hipster burn his tongue today drinking coffee before it was cool.

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