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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

March 7, 2012, 10:01 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

A couple are awoken during the night by a dude outside making noise [HTML_REMOVED] yelling. The husband gets up [HTML_REMOVED] opens the window to see what's going on. The dude outside yells "I need a push". The husband slams the window shut, gets back into bed, cursing that the dude woke him up. The wife says "Now honey. Remember the times in your past when you needed a hand with something [HTML_REMOVED] usually some nice person helped you out. That dude needs a push, what kind of car does he have?" The husband replies; "He doesn't have a car. He's on the swingset".

March 8, 2012, 5:39 p.m.
Posts: 34339
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an
Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State
Troopers…"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, [HTML_REMOVED] some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news
first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh no!" exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had a dozen 25
pound King crabs [HTML_REMOVED] 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her, [HTML_REMOVED] we
feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the
great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

March 11, 2012, 7:54 a.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

He Had Never Seen Her Naked

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull himout!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies: "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"

March 16, 2012, 3:17 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

A father comes home [HTML_REMOVED] his kids complain to him that it's cold in the house. He says "Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees".

March 16, 2012, 9:08 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

A husband [HTML_REMOVED] his wife are at a restaurant. Husband to waiter; "I'll have the rump steak. Rare please." Waiter; "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" Husband; "No, she can order for herself."

March 22, 2012, 4:33 p.m.
Posts: 1168
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

context is everything

March 22, 2012, 4:43 p.m.
Posts: 6
Joined: Jan. 12, 2006

Two television aerials on a roof fell in love and got married.

The service wasn't too good but the reception was brilliant.

March 22, 2012, 5 p.m.
Posts: 15019
Joined: April 5, 2007

Whats the difference between a ski guide and 2 Large Pizzas?

2 Large Pizzas can feed a family of 4!

Why slag free swag?:rolleyes:

ummm, as your doctor i recommend against riding with a scaphoid fracture.

March 22, 2012, 5:44 p.m.
Posts: 100
Joined: Dec. 2, 2010

what is brown and all sticky

a stick

Beow Beow….. be be boew boew. boh boh. beow beow…… repeat:rave:

March 25, 2012, 3:04 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asked "Does anyone know what this is?" Little Suzie responds-"I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!" The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says, "I know I know! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!" The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."

Tommy says, "sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

March 25, 2012, 3:14 p.m.
Posts: 1084
Joined: Aug. 10, 2010

[HTML_REMOVED] Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little
[HTML_REMOVED] 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe
[HTML_REMOVED] that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
[HTML_REMOVED] A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a
[HTML_REMOVED] construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The
[HTML_REMOVED] young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
[HTML_REMOVED] activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
[HTML_REMOVED] workers.
[HTML_REMOVED] Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or
[HTML_REMOVED] less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let
[HTML_REMOVED] her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20
[HTML_REMOVED] little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
[HTML_REMOVED] At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope
[HTML_REMOVED] containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who
[HTML_REMOVED] suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the
[HTML_REMOVED] next day to start a savings account.
[HTML_REMOVED] When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed
[HTML_REMOVED] and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such
[HTML_REMOVED] a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a
[HTML_REMOVED] real construction crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my
[HTML_REMOVED] goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house
[HTML_REMOVED] again this week, too?"
[HTML_REMOVED] The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever
[HTML_REMOVED] deliver the fuckin' drywall…"

March 25, 2012, 3:15 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

A boy comes home from school one day with a question on his mind, and goes to his father for an answer. "Father," he asks, "what is the difference between potential and reality?" His father is thoughtful for a moment, and then replies, "Well, I'll tell you what, son. Go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars."

The boy is confused, but follows his father instructions, and proceeds into the kitchen. When he returns, he tells father, "She said she would, dad…" His father again looks thoughtful, and so the boy asks,

"Now will you teach me the difference between potential and reality?" The father says, "I will, son, but first, go ask your sister if she'd sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars." The boy is even more puzzled, but does as his father says. After he return from his sister's room, he says, "Yes, dad, she said she would sleep with him for a million dollars. Now will you teach me the difference between potential and reality?" The father says, "One more thing. Go ask your brother if he'd sleep with George Clooney for a million dollars."

Now the boy is very confused, but convinced as he is of his father's wisdom, he goes to ask his brother. When he returns, he proclaims to his father, "Yes, dad, my brother would have sex with him for a million dollars. Now will you teach me the difference between potential and reality?"

The father looks up at his son, and says, "Alright son, think about this: Right now you potentially live with 3 millionaires, but the reality is, you're just living with two whores and a cocksucker."

March 25, 2012, 3:51 p.m.
Posts: 14737
Joined: Dec. 30, 2002

differance between the Titanic and a Surrey girl?
Only 1500 men went down on the Titanic.

Difference between Titanic Men and smart men?

Smart men dont go down on Surrey girls.

It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -Aristotle

March 25, 2012, 6:19 p.m.
Posts: 5496
Joined: April 10, 2005

A wife was standing nude in front of the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw [HTML_REMOVED] complained to her husband "I feel horrible. I look old, fat [HTML_REMOVED] ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment". The husband replied "Well your eyesight is damn near perfect".

March 26, 2012, 6:11 p.m.
Posts: 16284
Joined: March 15, 2003

A guy is standing at a bar and a beautiful woman is beside him. He leans
over and says, "You remind me of my little toe"
She replies, "What?…I'm small and cute?
He says "No. I'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm
drunk.

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