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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Feb. 28, 2012, 9:16 a.m.
Posts: 5731
Joined: June 24, 2003

How many Torontonians does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Debate? Bikes are made for riding not pushing.

Feb. 28, 2012, 10:44 a.m.
Posts: 18067
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'.

The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing!'

Feb. 28, 2012, 11:10 a.m.
Posts: 16074
Joined: Nov. 20, 2002

How many Torontonians does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He holds the bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Alternate ending:

Two - one to hold the bulb, the other to go to New York to see how they do it there.


A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Kn.

When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity.

When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called religion.

Feb. 28, 2012, 12:43 p.m.
Posts: 5635
Joined: Oct. 28, 2008

I've always liked the one that ends with "You're passionate. You're pashin' the liquor store."

Wrong. Always.

March 1, 2012, 8:29 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

An older man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000.00 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000.00' the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man said, 'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the older man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about what a great weekend I had!'

March 1, 2012, 11:27 p.m.
Posts: 885
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

so there's a newfie standing in the middle of bay street jumping up and down on this manhole cover. every time he lands he yells out 97! after a while a crowd gathers, watching this newfie jump up and down yelling out 97. finally this one torontonian steps forward and says, "hey newf, what the hell are you doing?"

the newfie replies "well bye, why din you come over 'ere and find out?"

so the torontonian takes the newfie up on his offer, stands on the manhole cover and jumps up.
just before he lands the newfie reaches down with one hand and pulls the manhole cover out from under the torontonian, upon which he and his finely pressed suit shoot silently into the sewer.

the newfie puts the manhole cover back, stands on it, jumps up and yells out 98! as he lands.

context is everything

March 2, 2012, 2:09 p.m.
Posts: 1186
Joined: Oct. 21, 2008

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a bowling ball?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

March 2, 2012, 2:13 p.m.
Posts: 11685
Joined: Aug. 11, 2003

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a bowling ball?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

There's also a chance that the ball won't end up in the gutter.

March 2, 2012, 2:19 p.m.
Posts: 5287
Joined: May 19, 2003

good one buster . . . don't bother with the joke , just go straight to the punch line .

like my wife ; she remembers half the set up , makes up the rest , and uses the closer from another joke .

March 2, 2012, 8:27 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

whats the difference between a 747 and a Surrey Girl?

Not everyone has been in a 747

March 5, 2012, 10:04 p.m.
Posts: 2747
Joined: Feb. 15, 2003

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved pussy.

Apparently I'm no longer welcome at KFC.

March 6, 2012, 8:48 a.m.
Posts: 7655
Joined: Feb. 15, 2005

Why don't tampons have any friends?

Because they are always stuck up cunts.

I have 21,474,850 rep points...

My blog - read it!

http://www.citizenclass.ca

March 6, 2012, 9:52 a.m.
Posts: 5731
Joined: June 24, 2003

What's the difference between a Surrey girl and a bowling ball?

You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

If you really had to, you could eat the bowling ball.

Debate? Bikes are made for riding not pushing.

March 6, 2012, 5:21 p.m.
Posts: 7373
Joined: Nov. 20, 2002

whats the difference between a 747 and a Surrey Girl?

Not everyone has been in a 747

differance between the Titanic and a Surrey girl?
Only 1500 men went down on the Titanic.

Why don't tampons have any friends?

Because they are always stuck up cunts.

ad slogan for a tampon company……we may not be number one, but were up there.

March 7, 2012, 9:56 p.m.
Posts: 5426
Joined: April 10, 2005

A husband is outside trying to get his kite to fly. After trying many alterations [HTML_REMOVED] still having no luck, his wife looks out [HTML_REMOVED] suggests "You need more tail". The husband replies; "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to fly a kite".

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