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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Aug. 25, 2017, 1:38 p.m.
Posts: 13017
Joined: Nov. 24, 2002

Posted by: KenN

Posted by: KenN

Not really a joke, but it had me in tears ...

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/apr/09/le-cinq-paris-restaurant-review-jay-rayner

"<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">The dining room, deep in the hotel, is a broad space of high ceilings and coving, with thick carpets to muffle the screams. It is decorated in various shades of taupe, biscuit and fuck you. There’s a little gilt here and there, to remind us that this is a room designed for people for whom guilt is unfamiliar. It shouts money much as football fans shout at the ref. There’s a stool for the lady’s handbag. Well, of course there is."</span>

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;"></span>

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">"</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">Other things are the stuff of therapy. The canapé we are instructed to eat first is a transparent ball on a spoon. It looks like a Barbie-sized silicone breast implant, and is a “spherification”, a gel globe using a technique perfected by </span>Ferran Adrià<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;">at </span>El Bulli<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: &quot;Guardian Text Egyptian Web&quot;, Georgia, serif;"> about 20 years ago. This one pops in our mouth to release stale air with a tinge of ginger. My companion winces. “It’s like eating a condom that’s been left lying about in a dusty greengrocer’s,” she says. Spherifications of various kinds – bursting, popping, deflating, always ill-advised – turn up on many dishes. It’s their trick, their shtick, their big idea. It’s all they have. Another canapé, tuile enclosing scallop mush, introduces us to the kitchen’s love of acidity. Not bright, light aromatic acidity of the sort provided by, say, yuzu. This is blunt acidity of the sort that polishes up dulled brass coins."</span>

No seriously, could I please just be able to copy/paste some simple bits of text without a bunch of stupid formatting syntax injecting itself?  Geeze.

Just copy the link then. I was giggling when I read that article.

Aug. 25, 2017, 2:17 p.m.
Posts: 1647
Joined: Jan. 12, 2010

"like a cat’s arse that’s brushed against nettles"

Bring this man a Pulitzer.

Aug. 28, 2017, 10:54 a.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

This one from Tippie; Q; How are mountain bikers & mutual funds different? A; Mutual funds eventually mature & make money.

Sept. 2, 2017, 5:52 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; What's the difference between a tire & 365 condoms?
A; One is a Goodyear & one is an excellent year.

Oct. 15, 2017, 12:16 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; Where does a one legged waitress work? A; IHOP.

I used to date a one legged girl. She worked at a brewery & was in charge of hops.

Q; What do you call a one legged woman? A; Eileen.

Q; What do you call a one legged chinese woman? A; Irene.

Oct. 23, 2017, 9:30 p.m.
Posts: 1898
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

so the other day I was sitting on the front porch watching my girlfriend mow the lawn.

the crabby old lady that lives next door came up to the fence and yelled at me "You should be hung!"

I yelled back at her "I am! That's why she mows the lawn!"

Oct. 23, 2017, 10:08 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

The wife & I were sitting on the front step when she seen a truck go by loaded with rolls of turf. She said "Ya know, one day if we ever get rich I'm gonna do like that guy does & get my lawn taken away to get cut".

Oct. 24, 2017, 3:41 p.m.
Posts: 368
Joined: Feb. 24, 2017

I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Oct. 24, 2017, 6:50 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

Oh, those Rodney Dangerfield jokes are timeless.
Are you kiddin'? My wife's a terrible cook. In our house we pray AFTER we eat!. I got the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer.

Nov. 11, 2017, 5:59 p.m.
Posts: 1898
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

I was thinking the other day about how I've always wanted to be a comedian, but I just can't do it because I've got performance anxiety. There's no way I could jerk off in front of other people.

Nov. 11, 2017, 6:29 p.m.
Posts: 1302
Joined: March 18, 2017

^Ha!

And you changed your Louise CK avatar now.

Nov. 11, 2017, 7:54 p.m.
Posts: 368
Joined: Feb. 24, 2017

Posted by: syncro

I was thinking the other day about how I've always wanted to be a comedian, but I just can't do it because I've got performance anxiety. There's no way I could jerk off in front of other people.

Louis CK and Harvery Weinstein should do a duelling banjos kinda thing. Call it two guys and a plant

Now that would be offensive


 Last edited by: bux-bux on Nov. 11, 2017, 7:56 p.m., edited 2 times in total.
Nov. 13, 2017, 8:43 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

I saw a nice pair of pants in the display window of a store, so I went inside and asked the salesman; Can I try on that pair of pants in the window"? He said "Well, we do have dressing rooms you know."

Nov. 28, 2017, 11:25 a.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

I don't set my clocks back. I'm writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Dec. 4, 2017, 12:23 p.m.
Posts: 1647
Joined: Jan. 12, 2010

Q:Why won't the house impeach Trump?

A:Republicans always carry a baby to term!

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