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The NSMB Random Joke Thread

Oct. 12, 2014, 10:09 a.m.
Posts: 13934
Joined: March 15, 2003

Little Johnny meets Justin Trudeau …

Justin Trudeau was visiting a primary school in Lanark and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Trudeau if he would like to lead the discussion on
the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Party Leader asked the class for an
example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trudeau, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Trudeau was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss… and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room..

Nov. 1, 2014, 5 p.m.
Posts: 2042
Joined: Jan. 5, 2010

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay to have a lentil on my face.

Nov. 12, 2014, 8:36 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; What's in a Nanaimo bar? A; Hell's Angels [HTML_REMOVED] hookers.

Nov. 17, 2014, 10:14 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

If lightning (electricity) follows the path of least resistance, why don't the majority of lightning strikes happen in France?

Nov. 17, 2014, 10:20 p.m.
Posts: 1898
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

If lightning (electricity) follows the path of least resistance, why don't the majority of lightning strikes happen in France?

somebody should call your mom and tell her to take your internets away.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity ~ Seneca

Dec. 3, 2014, 4:55 p.m.
Posts: 1898
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

here's one for Mic and Diggler:

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one because they're very efficient and not very funny.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity ~ Seneca

Dec. 3, 2014, 4:58 p.m.
Posts: 1898
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

here's one for KenN

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life."

But he came fifth and won a toaster instead.

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity ~ Seneca

Dec. 17, 2014, 11:02 p.m.
Posts: 33718
Joined: Nov. 19, 2002

http://tickld.com/x/pond-invasion

It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of dodging our responsibilities.
- Josiah Stamp

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
- H.G. Wells

Dec. 19, 2014, 6:21 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

Of course we all know that the USA planted American flags on the moon. The problem now is that with all the radiation [HTML_REMOVED] light from the sun the flags have turned all white…now people think the French were there!

Dec. 20, 2014, 5:09 a.m.
Posts: 2285
Joined: Feb. 5, 2005

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A pick pocket snatches watches.

That's the problem with cities, they're refuges for the weak, the fish that didn't evolve.

I don't want to google this - sounds like a thing that NSMB will be better at.

Dec. 20, 2014, 5:59 a.m.
Posts: 12860
Joined: Jan. 27, 2003

The friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good town fathers to close the friars down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

www.natooke.com

Dec. 20, 2014, 6:13 a.m.
Posts: 12860
Joined: Jan. 27, 2003

What do you call a Chinese guy flying a plane?

A pilot you fucking racist.

www.natooke.com

Dec. 22, 2014, 10:55 p.m.
Posts: 1898
Joined: Nov. 23, 2002

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope… Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity ~ Seneca

Jan. 14, 2015, 7:14 p.m.
Posts: 6051
Joined: April 10, 2005

Q; If a stork brings white babies [HTML_REMOVED] a raven brings black babies, what brings no babies? A; Two swallows.

May 9, 2015, 8:33 p.m.
Posts: 2042
Joined: Jan. 5, 2010

My four year old was struggling to open his yoghurt today when he mumbled, "fuckin' shitty lid."

My wife immediately looked at me and said, "I wonder where he's got that from?"

I said, "the fuckin' fridge you silly cunt."

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