funnyst joke ive read in a long time

Originally posted by fender
**GUYS' RULES

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good.
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from
the male side. These are our rules!
*Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think
of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach,
for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no
idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an
answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine…Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster
trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's
like camping. **

hahahahahahahahhha cant describe how true allofem are lol lmao im copyin saving that one

Originally posted by the bicycle boy
A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man. The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
(P.S… The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing!)

good one sam!

A baby seal walked into a club.

A baby seal walked into a club.

Badum-Ching!

Subject: Nancy Regan

You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.
Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, extremely
jealous, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated.

Consequently, you may appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

In our fine country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a nonpartisan consensus of compassion and forgiveness throughout.
The Reagan family and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against
you for shooting President Reagan.

We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation.

We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan [HTML_REMOVED] Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado.

You might want to look into that.

Sick Jokes

A teacher asked her class "which human organ expands to almost 10 times its normal size when stimulated?"
"I can't believe you are asking us this question!" one girl yells, "I plan to tell my parents that you are asking us inappropriate questions!"
The teacher pauses and another boy puts his hand up "the retina of the human eye?"
"Yes!" the teacher replies. "Very good Billy!" she then turns to the girl "I hate to tell you this," she says "but number 1, you did not do your homework, number 2, you have a very sick mind, and I fear you will be sadly disappointed someday.

But retina isn't an organ. The eye is, but it doesn't expand.

Q; How is the card game bridge like sex? A; If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

A baby seal walked into a club.

And gets just HAMMERED!

Jesus finds a small crowd who has surrounded a young woman they believed to be a prostitute. They are preparing to stone her to death. To diffuse the situation, Jesus says: [HTML_REMOVED]#8220;Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone.[HTML_REMOVED]#8221; Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picks up a rock and scores a direct hit on the woman[HTML_REMOVED]#8217;s head, breaking her skull and rendering her dead on the spot. Jesus frowns and looks over at the old lady: [HTML_REMOVED]#8220;Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off.[HTML_REMOVED]#8221;

A guy is driving down a country road when he sees an old man in the field "taking advantage" of a sheep. He's disgusted [HTML_REMOVED] finds that he must tell the farm owner of this. Getting to the end of the driveway he sees the owner [HTML_REMOVED] tells him about the incident taking place in his field. The owner asks if the old man has a red shirt on. The drivers answers why yes, yes he does. The owner replies oh that's okay then, that's just my Daaaaaaaaad.

Bob was a necrophiliac until the rotten *unt split on him.

Bob was a necrophiliac until the rotten *unt split on him.

someone must have just gone to a construction site.

wonna get pizza and fuck?

what, you dont like pizza?

A teacher asked her class "which human organ expands to almost 10 times its normal size when stimulated?"
The teacher pauses and another boy puts his hand up "the retina of the human eye?"
"Yes!" the teacher replies. "Very good Billy!"

I have very bad news for you - the retina is a light-sensitive tissue lining the inner surface of the eye. It doesn't expand or contract. I think the real joke here is a subtle allegorical play on the deplorable state of science education in our schools. And yes, the little girl should be ashamed of herself.