Worst Groomsmaid Ever

Words Dave Tolnai
Date Aug 22, 2016

Dear Uncle Dave,

So a good friend of mine is getting married and he chose a pretty awesome riding destination as the location of the wedding… well actually 2 awesome riding locations.  I’m in the wedding party and so I have some obligations over the weekend, but it seems like everything has been scheduled to prevent mountain biking from happening.  For example, the day before the wedding we’re going golfing in the middle of the morning.  Golfing, the brunch of the “sports” world.  The “sport” where you finish more intoxicated than you started.  Then to make matters worse there’s actual brunch the day after wedding.  How to ruin an entire day, step 1.  My girlfriend is already making fun of me, “Enjoy your spa day, I’m going riding sucker.”  “Make sure you don’t hurt yourself golfing *snicker*.”  I feel like I’m living in a certain IFHT video.

What do I do?  Do I snap my friend out of it?  Set an example?  Find a look-a-like fill in?

thanks,
Worst Grooms-maid Ever

PS – Any good wedding gift ideas?  Everything [left] on the registry is boring.


Dear Gummo:

Weddings are the worst. I’m pretty glad that I’m through the period in my life where there is a wedding every month. I guess I’m approaching the period in my life where there’s slightly sadder and smaller second weddings every couple of months? Time will tell.

So. You’re pretty much fucked. If you’re in the wedding party… I don’t know. Society and it’s bullshit expectations require you to attend all of the official activities. I see a couple of windows for you though.

This golf thing… I don’t really get it. I assume it’s not a “stag party.” If so, I think you should go. Pay your friend back by pumping him full of more alcohol than he’s ever consumed in his life. Not enough to completely ruin the wedding…but just enough to show him how terrible an idea it was to force everybody to go golfing the day before his wedding. If you get lucky, maybe he’ll black out early, leaving you some time to get a ride in with your girlfriend. If it’s not a stag, but something else… like some bullshit “last round of golf as a free man” nonsense… I don’t know… just tell him you don’t golf? Explain that he’ll probably have more fun if he’s there with people actually enjoying himself? Or just obliviously own it. “Oh man! That sounds great! Too bad I don’t golf. You guys are going to have a blast, though!” Somehow, when you pretend that it’s a hardship as you weasel out of something, people tend to have less of a problem with it. But you’re probably going golfing, and you’re definitely fucked.

The brunch…no. Nobody has the right to your time the day after a wedding. If you’re feeling really guilty, just drop in, make 20 minutes of small talk, and then sneak out the back. Or, as above, own it and claim hardship. “Brunch? Sounds awesome! Sorry we can’t make it. We have this mountain bike ride planned that I promised my girlfriend. You guys have a blast though! Is there going to be bacon!” I can’t imagine your buddy holding it against you. He may envy your creativity and initiative, but if he’s angry that you tried to salvage a bit of fun for yourself by skipping out on a brunch with his extended family after you sacrificed so much already…Man.

By the way, I’m not married. I don’t consistently get called selfish, but it has happened. Consider that as you take in this advice.

For the wedding gift, I have two ideas. One, find yourself a go to idea that you can trademark as your own and that you give each and every wedding. Something classy. I used to give everybody a nice teapot. Looking back…I mean…everybody has the same teapot now. And nobody really drinks tea. But it felt right at the time. Or, get them a gift certificate to some nice restaurant to which they otherwise wouldn’t go. Say something like “hopefully you can use it to create a new tradition for yourselves”, or some other sappy nonsense. People love that kind of shit.

Sorry,
Uncle Dave

PS – Your girlfriend sounds like a keeper. And I’m hoping the prize givers can find it within themselves to send you a pair of socks or something that you can work into your gift.


Gummo!- you win a one-year membership to Ryan Leech Connection (value $19 USD/month).  Ryan’s courses will make you a better rider – or you’ll get your money back. Ryan will even answer your questions personally. How sweet is that? If you’d like to snag a juicy prize for yourself, fire a question to Uncle Dave. This you can probably share with your girlfriend. Send us an email to collect your prize. Socks? Could happen.

Ryan-Manual-1600-nsmb
About Ryan Leech Connection Membership

An all-access pass to Ryan’s curriculum based learning courses which cover a variety of skills such as manuals, bunny hops, balance, wheelies and more. His tutorials aren’t just about entertainment, they’re designed to be engaged with step by step. Ryan is ready to answer any questions, like your own personal coach. He champions an integrated approach to skill development in this membership site by including access to a range of custom tailored physical fitness and mental fitness practices for mountain bikers.


What’s wrong with brunch?

Comments

poo-stance
0
Poo Stance  - Aug. 23, 2016, 10:26 a.m.

There is always jokes about man-cards being revoked or women getting the balls during the wedding ceremony. But it appears your friend has already lost his.

Reply

cam@nsmb.com
0
Cam McRae  - Aug. 23, 2016, 11:17 a.m.

I believe you mean she has already lost hers.

Reply

poo-stance
0
Poo Stance  - Aug. 23, 2016, 10:13 p.m.

Ha. I thought a guy wrote in the letter.

vachon
0
Craig  - Aug. 23, 2016, 10:16 a.m.

Wedding gift: tickets to the Whistler bike park

Reply

Brocklanders
0
yahs  - Aug. 23, 2016, 7:26 a.m.

I laughed out loud reading this. Was in Kicking Horse last summer for a wedding and although the groom is a MTB fanatic, they had this brunch the next morning. Those of us who skipped it got 4 hours of riding in before we had to leave. Those who didn't were stuck there wishing they skipped it. I'm headed to a stag in Sept. same thing with the golf, myself and a buddy will be riding there instead and will meet them at the 19th hole for drinks after. If the groom is a true friend he will understand your plight.

Reply

peter-mitchell
0
Peter Mitchell  - Aug. 23, 2016, 6:54 a.m.

Currently planning a wedding which will consist of a ceremony at the trail head, a ride, followed by a party at our local Irish pub complete with custom burger bar. All of these aspects are encourage by my future wife who will be the fastest rider in the wedding party. The shreds-men and ride-maids will all have matching wedding riding kits.

Reply

tehllama42
0
Tehllama42  - Aug. 23, 2016, 12:38 p.m.

Take pictures. Share them here. I'm 99% sure NSMB will be able to hook you up with some bonus swag if you're able to make that happen, in exchange for a hilarious article.

Reply

pete@nsmb.com
0
Pete Roggeman  - Aug. 23, 2016, 3:32 p.m.

I'm pretty sure we could arrange something…

peter-mitchell
0
Peter Mitchell  - Aug. 24, 2016, 5:48 a.m.

We'll see what happens. Wedding isn't until next year. . .

wacek-keepshack
0
Wacek Keepshack  - Aug. 23, 2016, 2:03 p.m.

Do a wedding on A-Line and become the Joey of all Joeys

Reply

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