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Sea Otter 2017

The UGL-E-BIKE Challenge

Words Loam Ranger
Photos Dave Smith
Date Apr 20, 2017

While the most interesting bike we saw on Day 1 of the Sea Otter Classic was the Kona Remote, a chainsaw hauling trail building machine of beauty, there were definitely a few bikes in that e-category that were not. It's the aesthetically challenged end of the e-spectrum that has inspired us to kick off the first annual NSMB UGL-E-BIKE Challenge. It may not be politically correct to judge a bike purely on looks and it may even get us into a little trouble but what the fuck - if you can't point and laugh at an E-bike, then you aren't a truly sanctimonious mountain biker. 

It's a funny thing about E-bikes, they often look far worse in person than they do in photos but we did our best to capture the less fortunate side of the 8 worst bikes we saw on day 1 of the 'Otter. And just because misery loves company, we're inviting you our loyal readers to help us decide which is the best of the worst or depending on your point of view, the worst of the worst. To vote just comment on this article with the number and name of the bike you see below that you think is the UGL-E-EST-E-BIKE. 

Just to prove that we aren't complete assholes, we are going to give the winner, a bottle of Crown Royal to ease the sting of being voted the winner in what is sure to be the first UGL-E-Bike champ in a long line of abominations. 

Without further ado, gird your loins and start scrolling. 

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1. THE BLACK OUT DRUNK - We actually think this bike looks pretty ok but we didn't want to throw you into the deep end right off the bat.

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2. THE PACK RAT - Apparently you can stow your life's belongings into that giant hatch and go 20-100 miles without needing to pedal this one. Yep.

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3. THE ALL THE GEARS 3000 - Holy shit. Look at all those gears. I mean it literally has all the gears.

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4. THE NO COMMENT REQUIRED - We tried to get some info on this bike but they stared at us blankly.

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5. THE THIS IS A CONTENDER - So much is the awesomeness of this E-machine that we are dumbstruck.

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6. THE MORGADETH -   Through the darkest hour. Grace did not shine on me. It feels so cold, very cold. No one cares for me.

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7. BOB ON BOARD - This was leaning up against a fence in all its magnificent ugl-e-ness as if to say "what you staring at?!" 

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8. THE HAULIN' ASS. "Q: Is this yours? A: Yeah, it's so hot from hauling my fat ass around"

Vote early and vote often. 

Comments

+3
Metacomet  - April 21, 2017, 3:43 a.m.

I'm gonna have to go with 1-8.

Reply

+1
hilly  - April 21, 2017, 5:53 a.m.

Not even close for me: #2 Pack rat

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+1
Duncan Blair  - April 21, 2017, 8:14 a.m.

#4. THE NO COMMENT REQUIRED

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0
norman  - April 21, 2017, 9 a.m.

5 looks like a motorcycle!

2 is the definite winner.

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+1
Metacomet  - April 21, 2017, 2:20 p.m.

If I Really had to pick, it would be number five.  Mostly because it's really trying its f'ing hardest to be a motorcycle without actually having to be called a motorcycle.  And because it has a beautiful Emerald and a Fatbar strapped to the front, and I feel sorry for DVO and Renthal for having their products bolted onto this steaming heap of failed ambitions.  DVO, if your out there, I'm having a drink on your behalf to help wash this away from all the nightmares it is sure to spawn.

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+1
Greg Bergen  - April 21, 2017, 9:04 a.m.

I'll go with 4.  Honourable mention to 7, 5 and 2.

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0
Maury Yee  - April 21, 2017, 9:17 a.m.

I don't feel it's fair to choose one over another however, number 4 gets my vote.

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0
Taz123  - April 21, 2017, 10:01 a.m.

Yeah #4 gets my vote

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0
rvoi  - April 21, 2017, 10:26 a.m.

Number 7 should be first recognized for solving the extra battery storage issue.

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+2
ExtraSpecialandBitter  - April 21, 2017, 11:56 a.m.

6 - The Morgadeth

Mostly because I want you to give Cannondale a bottle of Crown for the Ugli-e-st bike.

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0
Garrett Thibault  - April 21, 2017, 11:25 p.m.

I want them to give it to the no comment required. If they stared blankly at questions about the bike, they're going to love to receive a bottle of Crown for it.

The cable that comes out halfway on the Cannondale, bugs me the most though, so my vote is also:

6 - The Morgadeth

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0
Todd Hellinga  - April 21, 2017, 12:12 p.m.

9) ALL OF THE ABOVE

motors and batteries, making mountain bikes ugly since forever

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0
Velocipedestrian  - April 21, 2017, 1:36 p.m.

This. 

But special mention to #4. No comment, no style.

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+1
stinky_dan  - April 21, 2017, 3:06 p.m.

number 4, the lines are just tragically bad. Number 5 and 3 just look like an accident waiting to happen....one loose lace and suddenly you're in the grinder.

(nice 'deth reference for number 6, by the way, brings to mind "Give me alchemy! Give me sorcery!Give me wizardry! hermatology! Electricity!")

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0
Speedster  - April 21, 2017, 3:55 p.m.

So many good, bad choices! This is like asking which of the Miss America contestants would I bang (like a screen door in a hurricane)! 

2 Pack Rat is really ugly.  #4 is pretty hideous too. I would vote for #6 only because I like the Megadeth reference (just got my tickets to see them and Scorpions) and mostly because I too, would love to see Cannondale get the trophy of ugliness and anything else that conveys my feelings for that company.

But, after careful consideration, #5 is the winner, I mean, loser and is most deserving of the Crown!

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0
piotrek21  - April 21, 2017, 8:13 p.m.

4. THE NO COMMENT REQUIRED

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0
flatch  - April 22, 2017, 7:23 a.m.

photo number three, the fat bike in the back ground. I mean WTF!

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0
Cam McRae  - April 22, 2017, 8:10 a.m.

4 wins! We'll take them a bottle of Crown today! It may get weird!

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0
Metacomet  - April 24, 2017, 1:09 p.m.

So, how did it go?

Reply

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