
Beggars Would Ride
The Terminator Paradox
There’s a commonality to most apocalypse-based end of times movies. Humankind is humming happily along; raising families, having picnics, doing cinematically appropriate happy human things, unaware of The Looming Menace. The Looming Menace traditionally appears as aliens, or a virus, or giant irradiated insects, or an asteroid, or reanimated dinosaurs, or some variation of mutated, fire belching reanimated dinosaurs, or sentient robots hell-bent on the eradication of the human race. More recently, a whole slew of climate change based end of world scenarios have also been added to the “Oh my God, we’re all gonna die” film canon. In most of these movies, most of humankind gets fed into the cosmic mulcher except for a plucky band of rugged survivors who battle inconceivable odds and somehow prevail against the brutal cruelty of the universe, thus persevering in sustaining our glorious species. That’s the big commonality: Humankind will prevail.
A second, less overt commonality is that even though each of these cinematic existential threats is drawn as an external force, in reality they are each an extrapolation of our own worst human traits. The greatest threat to our existence, one that we keep revisiting over and over in movies, is, not surprisingly, ourselves. We just have to wrap this up in a big metaphor because it's hard to admit that we are generally shitty. Most other species on the planet are already very well aware of this, even though most other species on the planet don’t go to the movies, and try their best to distance themselves from the genocidal naked chimps.
I’m not sure if the point of these movies is to boost our species-morale about what is clearly not a good long term prognosis for our survival, or to nudge us into some kind of higher awareness of our own naked-chimp self-destructiveness in the hopes that we step up our game and try a little harder to achieve some sort of species sustainability. Or maybe the plucky band of rugged survivors is just a nice way to end a movie that otherwise is a bullhorn screaming “HEY DUMBASSES, YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE!”
What, you may ask, does any of this have to do with mountain biking?
Everything.
Nothing.
I blame that damn fat bike. It got me thinking.

It's either the fat bike or the microdosing, or maybe I'm just watching way too much dystopian end-of-times cinema these days...
Once upon a time, mountain bikes were a novel way to move across terrain already mostly trod. They could, conceivably, be ridden across virgin landscapes, and sometimes were, but it was hard going and didn’t really work any better than walking. So, the newfangled contraptions generally stuck to existing trails. There, mountain bikes were a way to cover more ground per calorie than just about any other form of locomotion on the planet. From an ecological perspective, that should have been damn happy news. The trails were already there, no damage was really being done to them that was in any way greater than what feet and hoofs were already doing, and compared to the kind of impact that things like open cast mining or urban sprawl meted out, the impact of a few hippies getting wild in their Daisy Dukes was infinitesimal.
We all know that isn’t really how mountain bikes were perceived, though. Instead, thanks to ingrained human reflexive behavior rooted in the same part of the brain that makes us bad at sharing our toys and prone to building big walls along our borders, mountain bikers were seen as too many people crowding into a place where they previously had not existed at all. Thus, Looming Threat.
Mountain bikers (plucky band of rugged survivors) somehow prevailed against inconceivable odds. However, and after decades of struggle, we emerged as a valid, viable, environmentally conscious population. End of movie, applause from the audience,right?
But wait! New movie starts, right as the credits to the first movie roll. Don’t call it a sequel. This time, the mountain bikers mutate, and start sculpting terrain to their needs. No longer content with trundling happily across the status quo of trails blazed in pursuit of some century-old exploitative goal, these mutants start jumping off cliffs, sliding down scree faces, building skinnies in forests. They mutate and evolve. In the blink of an eye, they are building lips and landings, clamoring for catch berms, stacking rock walls, brazenly GEO-ENGINEERING THE ENTIRETY OF BENTONVILLE ARKANSAS and calling it progress! Just like in War Of The Worlds when the Martians start altering the atmosphere of the planet to make it more breathable to them. Looming Threat, all over again…
Then they start adding motors to their bikes!

"WElcomE to BEntonvillE, human. PrEParE to bE ExtErminatEd!"
Hushed rumors make the rounds; whispers about new Shimano and SRAM powered exo-skeletons designed in collaboration with Troy Lee and Club Ride hinting at super-enhanced middle aged mountain bikers suddenly immune to injury and able to download Semenuk and Wibmer riding skills right into their cerebral cortexes. Before we know it, the plucky band of survivors has gamed the entire system and mutated into nearly indestructible zombies, hell-bent on the right to ride wherever the hell they want, and terraforming wherever the hell they want to get sendy in ways that justify the beyond-platinum card expenditure represented by that incredibly stylish exoskeleton. “Bro, this suit cost me my marriage AND my kids’ college fund. Don’t you dare tell me where I can’t ride. See this laser in my ocular implant? Don’t even go there. Bro.”
Don’t worry, this is just a movie. It’ll never happen. Right?
Some much more sedated version of that faux-pocalyptic scenario has been dogging me for years now. At first I chalked it up to sour grapes; not being rad enough to fully exploit modern bikes to their limits, and feeling already too old and broken to want to try and step my skillset up to hitting big built lines. But after letting those sour grapes ferment into a good vintage, I realized that my inner Lorax was clearing his throat. This shift in my thinking coincided with 8 years spent building some not very rad trails here on my property, where every measure was taken to ensure health of trees, consistency of drainage, mitigation of potential erosion, and minimization of impact on habitat. And what I learned in those 8 years is that there is no such thing as no impact. Tree root systems and the roots of poison oak and mycelium networks are interconnected in ways that we are only now beginning to comprehend. Everything in nature, everything, is interconnected and interdependent. Pretending otherwise stinks of hubris. We can wag fingers at lithium mining, and look down our noses at freeways and shopping malls, but we, as mountain bikers, are not really doing anything to restore or balance the environment of this planet. We are just leaving smaller skidmarks.

This is all a game of semantics anyway. Nature will prevail, whether we remain to witness or not. This first pic was from 2019, when Brandon Semenuk and his merry band hand dug a "jibby little fun" line for the film Parallel.

And this is one turn lower down the same line, one year later. Today, the overgrowth is thick enough that it is hard to tell where the line even is. So, take everything I am saying here with a real big grain of salt. But then again, sentient robots sent to kill us from the future. Brandon Semenuk. I rest my case.
Damn, that was a banger of a film though. But I digress. Back to the end of days...
This thinking, ultimately, led to the idea of the fat bike, where conceivably one could ride without building any trails at all. Except that too, will leave a mark. Sure, “one” could ride. But, should he or she? Cue up high-speed footage of fungus spreading - what about 100? 1000? 100,000? Oh great, another disaster movie? We didn’t even get to the end of the last one, where the ultra-rad, exoskeleton-clad, middle-aged super-mountain biker has dispensed completely with any token attempt at civility and has activated Full Righteousness Mode, and was last seen stepping on the skull of single speeding hippie who had died sometime during the war to make Los Angeles shredworthy.

Sure, the exoskeleton worked just fine for Sigourney Weaver in Aliens, but it's not as if she dodged the apocalypse bullet as a result. I mean, Aliens 3 didn't win any feel good movie of the year prizes. Just sayin'...
I’m not advocating we all ditch our bikes for Birkenstocks, sacrifice our singletrack sessions for “the greater good.” That’s crazy talk, right? We’re just a bunch of kooks sitting around talking about apocalypse movies here. Cinematic spitballing, as it were. Nothing to get too wound up about, everything’s fine. We’re all happy humans, doing happy human things. Just think it over before clicking the “buy now” button on that exoskeleton when the day comes, though. That's all I'm asking. I don’t think that movie has a very good ending.
Comments
kcy4130
2 years, 1 month ago
Mike's writing always cracks me up. I absolutely love his stuff. Thank you Mike, and thank you NSMB for this!
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Cam McRae
2 years, 1 month ago
We feel the same kcy, and I keep having to remind myself this is real life.
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ackshunW
2 years, 1 month ago
Hahah great writing as always. Love that you take a topic I can relate to, and might summarize as:
“I love this sport but not sure everything new is progress. I’m worried about Ebikes, don’t love flow trails, and I’m afraid of steep lips.”
And elaborate into:
“They mutate and evolve. In the blink of an eye, they are building lips and landings, clamoring for catch berms, stacking rock walls, brazenly GEO-ENGINEERING THE ENTIRETY OF BENTONVILLE ARKANSAS and calling it progress! Just like in War Of The Worlds when the Martians start altering the atmosphere of the planet to make it more breathable to them. Looming Threat, all over again…
Then they start adding motors to their bikes!”
Hahahaha, excellent!
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
Thanks! When I write, I don't really think too much about how the audience may react, and with pieces like this - which are meant mostly as to entertain and maybe sow a few kernels of thought - there's always the risk that what I thought made some sort of sense in my own head will have absolutely zero resonance with anyone else. Glad to know this one didn't totally land with a thud.
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juanhernandez
2 years, 1 month ago
This one did thud with me. But I'll still check back. Hey, can you have NSMB narrow the column so it's more readable.
Yup.
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Lynx .
2 years, 1 month ago
Mike, I don't get here too regular these days, but when I do, I most always will look to read one of your pieces, especially more recently, they seem to echo the thinking I'm having and this one BIG TIME.
How can a species be so blind to how horrific we mostly are, especially to the rest of the species on this planet and the planet itself. Don't make life easier, accept the aging, but also, fight against it and do as best/most as you can without seeking that "exoskeleton" help so many are embracing these days, revel in the day or two we now need to recover and appreciate that you "still can" all on your own.
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fartymarty
2 years, 1 month ago
Mike - Maybe this explains the popularity of gravel bikes. As a recent entered the gravel world and now see the appeal - it's like mountainbiking back in the 90's albeit on drop bars.
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Allan Maxwell
2 years, 1 month ago
Yeah, I get that. I find myself riding my Gravel bike all the time now ...and I do have a lot of time on my hands. It is efficient enough to get me to the furthest corners of my pedestrian existence without the need for the car. Additionally, I have no real compulsion to show-off my technical skills along the way which reduces some subliminal feelings of "not doing it right by modern standards".
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
A plucky band of misfits converges upon a sleepy Kansas town in show of drop bar solidarity, unaware they are carrying the seeds of contagion. Before the sleepy town has a chance to react, the plucky band's numbers have swollen to the tens of thousands, gigantic faceless corporations are maneuvering behind the scenes for control of the situation even as it explodes in popularity. At first, nothing seems amiss aside from Elmer having to wait a real long time to go feed his cattle and some missed orders at the only coffee shop in town. But soon enough, there are scandals, heroes, villains (fuck, let's throw in some crimes of passion too), as the small town is buried in a tsunami of 45c tires... Nobody is immune. Roll credits.
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kcy4130
2 years, 1 month ago
So gravel is a gateway drug?
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
in apocalypse cinema parlance, anything can be the gateway drug
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taprider
2 years, 1 month ago
It could happen on the Shore too.
The new trail work seems to turning the old hiking trails into gravel bike friendly downhills.
(but with gate-keeping technical features on 1% of the trail where it would be safer/easier/requiring-less-skill to use a new-school Trail+ bike with a front centre longer than an Easy Rider chopper)
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Cr4w
2 years, 1 month ago
My gravel bike serves a very specific ride function. Riding my enduro bike on the Shore is all-out. Super intense it basically runs a CTRL-ALT-DELETE on my brain and overwrites whatever I was thinking about when I began the ride. But the gravel bike allows me to spin and mull over stuff; I'm not as focused on sheer survival and I'm feeling the weather, the neighbourhood I'm riding through, my thoughts going through a spin cycle. They are two totally different tools and I'm now officially split 50/50 between them.
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Ken Kienow
2 years, 1 month ago
This is exactly why I love mountain biking. The climb workout is for getting increasingly and unreasonably upset, or increasingly and unreasonably excited, about whatever I was thinking about pre-ride. The descent is for scrubbing everything off my brain except survival, no exceptions. It's a great mental reset that I haven't found anywhere else.
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Cr4w
2 years, 1 month ago
My mountain bike rides start with so many floating thoughts but partway up that climb they start to melt away as I focus on my breath and getting to the top without stopping. It's a crucial part of my ride satisfaction. Plus it sets me up into the right frame of mind for the descent.
I'm not personally keen on shuttles or the bike park or e-bikes because they bypass this part of the process altogether. I really can't enjoy my pudding if I haven't eaten the meat.
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Kyle Dixon
2 years, 1 month ago
You! Yes, You, with the Prototype Enduro by The Dumpsters... Stand still Laddie!
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Hugo Williamson
2 years, 1 month ago
Back country boarding or skiing is similar.
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rolly
2 years, 1 month ago
I still don't get its popularity. I started riding in the 80's on a fully rigid frame. Other than being on a mountain and going downhill, it wasn't that good. Suspension is awesome.
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Vik Banerjee
2 years, 1 month ago
It's only a matter of time before the e-Hiker exosuit is on sale at REI. I mean humans can't possibly be expected to move without a motor. Insert comment below about it being unfair someone's 95 year old grandma can't run the Boston Marathon at Olympic Record pace with her grandkids.
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Dave Smith
2 years, 1 month ago
This was an enjoyable read - It was like someone rented a lot of Carpenter movies and consumed copious amounts of weed.
Somebody available to check on Mike? Pops - you alright, bud?
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Pete Roggeman
2 years, 1 month ago
He seems all right whenever we talk, but we're going to spend a few extra days in his presence after Sea Otter just to be sure.
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LAT
2 years, 1 month ago
i may have gotten the wrong end of the stick, but i really want that exoskeleton and downloadable skills.
edit: excellent read, many thanks to all involved
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
I'd be lying if I tried to pretend I wouldn't want the exoskeleton too.
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Mammal
2 years, 1 month ago
For gravel spreading, if nothing else.
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hairymountainbeast
2 years, 1 month ago
As someone who enjoys mountain biking and trail running, and not that excited about the popularity of e-bikes, I keep waiting for e-running to show up. Just think of the PR's runners could get with a running specific, robotic exoskeleton! I would bet money that it's coming...
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taprider
2 years, 1 month ago
I'm not sure if that video https://youtu.be/vDbSlarxb-k is for real or if it is a parody making fun of all e-sport devices
and the video does mention breaking records (i.e. KOMs)
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
Obviously, we need to test one.
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taprider
2 years, 1 month ago
lol
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Mark
2 years, 1 month ago
Test one while riding an ebike.
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DanL
2 years, 1 month ago
wait for e-climbing exo arms and feet....
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Ryan Walters
2 years, 1 month ago
This read almost makes me fat bike curious. Almost.
Surly should get you on retainer, Mike!
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
They could pay me in Dirt Wizard tires, which I could then repurpose as training weights for my growing network of ShovelFit gym franchises
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Peter Appleton
2 years, 1 month ago
if you live where there is snow or the icy, low traction seasons of winter a fatbike is mandatory if you're a mountain biker, if you're a zwifter, then go for it, but nothing beats the 40-50 days i spend on my fatbike in the winter verus looking at a screen indoors on a contraption of metal and plastic designed to make me want to buy more upgrades every 3-6 months and consume more.
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Ryan Walters
2 years, 1 month ago
You'd be surprised what we're able to ride out here on "regular" bikes Pete. The key is a sufficiently steep grade to not get bogged down. Of course, a fat bike is going to handle a wider variety of snow conditions.
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Adrian Bostock
2 years, 1 month ago
This hit me right in the JOB feelers. Every thing has an impact. Much like the quantum cliche, observation cause a change, or how ever you want to think about that.
many recreational advocacy groups, including mountain biking were just last week, metaphorically speaking, cup in hand to land managers, begging, please sir let us do this thing we like to do. I won’t cause no trouble. promise.
now that thing has morphed into a turbo charged super version of what it was, hardly resembles what we’re were begging to do in the first place, and we are demanding to be able to go where ever we are able to go. because freedom. because no one can tell me that 850 turbo enduro sled is not equivalent to a 1988 norco bush pilot.
The nut of all of this is value based decisions. what do we place value in. what are our common values. do our current activity’s negatively impact those values. can those impact be managed.
it’s not so black and white. and it’s not an easy conversation. and can I submit time for this lol.
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AbbeyLite
2 years, 1 month ago
Great topic! Here are a couple added nuances I think about frequently: Obviously the trails aren't the only environmental impact bikes have, the manufacturing of bikes and bike components of course also contribute. That Trek sustainability report from a year or two ago was really good at spurring that conversation.
Here is the best devil's advocate argument I can think up to justify mountain biking: Getting people access to nature, even if that nature is the backdrop to machine built jump lines, can inspire people to be advocates for conservation. If one lives their entire life in a man-made environment with little to no access to wilderness or nature how can we expect them to have enough of an emotional connection to that nature to want to preserve it?
Maybe, just maybe, if mountain bike culture really emphasizes sustainability within itself (buying used bikes, not upgrading every 2 seasons, repair not replace, sustainable trail building practices, biking to the trailhead, etc.) then use mtb organizations to educate bikers about environmental issues, there can be a net good. That's why it's so important to prioritize affordable, durable bikes and components and growing access to under-represented demographics in the sport, imo.
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taprider
2 years, 1 month ago
"I’m not advocating we all ditch our bikes for Birkenstocks"
Doesn't mean you can't go "e"
https://newatlas.com/outdoors/hypershell-packable-ai-exoskeleton/
https://youtu.be/vDbSlarxb-k
Could also work as an "e" cheat where ebikes are banned
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Mike Ferrentino
2 years, 1 month ago
🤯
Skynet became aware!
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Mark
2 years, 1 month ago
Cripes, that video of the guy being the hero at the top of the run is everything that's wrong with outdoor rec.
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Cam McRae
2 years, 1 month ago
"Break records!"
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Mammal
2 years, 1 month ago
IF this is real, it certainly seems like a great way to f*ck your knees and ankles. "Go faster/farther, carry heavier loads"...
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Velocipedestrian
2 years, 1 month ago
That's just the upgrade cycle kicking in. If those puny calcium pivots can't cope, it's time for titanium.
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alloutprodux
2 years, 1 month ago
"The fat bike or microdosing"
love it -- made me spit up my cheerios, thanks Mike!!!
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Grant Blankenship
2 years, 1 month ago
This comment has been removed.
Kerry Williams
2 years, 1 month ago
Thanks Mike, for putting into words, the things many of us are thinking, but don't know how to put into readable language. At least that's my case. Always appreciated, and have a great spring everyone.
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