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Beggars Would Ride

No Taste For Crow

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The phrase “eat crow” is generally accepted not as a culinary exhortation, but an act of humility. To eat crow is to acknowledge one’s mistakes, to self-own those embarrassing moments of ego and hubris that we sometimes push out into the world with more braggadocio than consideration. It’s an odd phrase. There is something more visceral and unsettling about it than the very similar acts of eating hats or humble pie. Humble pie could be made up of just about anything, and easily palatable. Hats, meanwhile, no big deal there. Could be a bit chewy, might need some seasoning, but it’s just a hat.

But a crow? That’s something different. Eating a crow, there’s a whole lot of superstition and portent in there, along with some heavy cultural baggage. It’s a powerful metaphor. And as far as metaphors go, especially with regard to mountain biking, I’ve eaten a ton of our shiny black feathered friend over the years…

It’s 1986. I am astride a shiny new teal colored DiamondBack Apex, and feeling on top of the world. I am, in fact, on top of a wooden deck at my friend Tor’s parents' cabin. Both Tor and I have a lot of dirt bike in our veins, and a habit of goading each other into regrettable actions. Mountain biking is brand new to us both. “Bet you can’t jump off this deck and stick the landing,” Tor says, motioning with his beer can toward the edge of the deck where there’s a convenient six-foot drop to flat. “Pffff, piece of cake,” I reply, and wheelie off the edge of the deck without hesitation, landing absolutely flat. Brand new bike, fork now comically splayed out several inches, didn’t stick the landing. Mmmmm, crow.

Now it’s 1988. Look at this kook. Or imagine this kook, because try as I might, the photographic record of this moment has thankfully been expunged from the record. Instead, feast your eyes on the magic that was 1988. Get in the vibe:

Mammoth Kamikaze. Bridgestone MB2, 52 tooth chainring, Brooks sprung saddle, carpenter kneepads, and a tie-dye sweatshirt that had the words “psychedelic-U” blazed on the front above a crest featuring a pair of crossed psilocybin mushrooms. Don’t forget those AXO moonboots. Good enough for Tomac, right? Specialized Ground Control tires pumped up to about 45psi, but the Mt. Zefal frame pump is right there behind the seat tube and a fanny pack full of tools is flapping around on my ass as the washboards kick the tar out of me, because obviously we all take the time to fix a flat in a downhill race, right? My frame looks comically small, because everyone rode frames that looked too small back then, because “standover” was considered hugely important and 42” wheelbases were considered long. But still, shudder.

My meal of crow that night was sumptuous and very filling. Ignorance as part of the cultural zeitgeist is allowable, but there are limitations. Carpenter kneepads are not a great idea for pedaling. Especially when they get a handful or two of pumice up in there during one of a few rag-doll moments on the hill that day. Chafe-tastic! Also not a great idea – those AXO moonboots. They were slightly less cumbersome than the old Nike Lava Domes that everyone used to wear, but were also about as supportive as a pair of Chuck Taylors. I had bruises on the bottoms of my feet from that 6-minute session in hell. Didn’t need the fanny pack full of tools, duh, because my tires were pumped up to the point of complete and utter uselessness. Two servings of crow in one, right there.

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Three years later, I meant business. Well, sorta...

It’s 1991. Mammoth Kamikaze again. The kook has learned, but not a lot. Yeti FRO, with a Mountain Cycles Suspender fork. No more Brooks saddle. Sidi Cyclocross shoes with doubled up Alfredo Binda Extra toestraps clamping my feet inextricably into the pedals. A Panaracer Headwall front tire. Jesus, man, get a grip. Literally. The Panaracer Smoke was out by then, everybody was running them at Mammoth that year, and the Headwall was an absolutely horrible tire – some sort of urban/dirt compromise that has been conveniently forgotten on the scrap heap of history. But at least I had some full length pants, had been conveniently gifted a pro number by Paul Chetwynd for reasons that completely elude my memory now, and had decided to leave the butt-pack of spare parts and pump at home.

The crow banquet got served up somewhere in the final mile, at the end of a long fast straight downhill from where the radar gun was usually placed. There was a sweeping left hander with a little compression on the inside apex, and a hillside full of spectators up the huge embankment to the right. Going faster than I maybe ever have on dirt – almost everyone was hitting above 50mph in the speed trap that year – I took the inside line into the compression and felt the front tire just let go completely, drifting across the fire road, sending me up the embankment, where I exploded someone’s Styrofoam cooler before slowing almost to a stop in the super loose duff and arcing gradually and pitifully back down onto the fire road. In my memory, it all plays out in slow motion. In reality, it probably DID play out in slow motion. My time at the finish was abysmal, from that one detour. Which, come to think of it, was probably a DQ anyway.

I can still taste that crow. It tastes like Panaracer Headwall, fork elastomer, and the misguided hubris that made me think I could hang with the big dogs. Ironically, the XC race two days before was also my very last race as a Sport class kook, before moving up to Expert, where I would spend the next year getting so thoroughly spat out the back of the pack that it felt like I was choking down shiny black feathers every weekend.

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This here image, as it appeared in the December 1994 issue of California Bicyclist magazine, is what is best described as a "target rich environment" when it comes to potential future crow-bakes. Retrotec singlespeed, check. Single sided Time pedals, check. Girvin Vector fork, check. Dipshit author writing some arrogant as fuck article about how singlespeeding rules over everything else, check. Photo by the always awesome - never crow eating - Mark Dawson

Since then, I’ve lost count of the crows I’ve eaten. Crow pies, sautéed crow with stir fry vegetables, roast crow, crow soup, an endless feast… I’ve endorsed products that history has been unkind to. I’ve stated in print that full suspension would never really catch on with XC riders, that hydraulic disc brakes would never be as reliable as cantilevers, that head angles would stop slackening out at 67 degrees, that Plus tires would be The Next Big Thing, that 27.5” wheels made no sense, that nobody would ever need bars wider than 700mm. I’ve opined so many things so wrongly so often that the biggest lesson of all has been to learn keep my mouth shut about the future, or at least bank my thoughts with a little less conviction, a little more “maybe.”

The genesis of the phrase “eat crow” is generally thought to be a short joke fable that first appeared around 1850 in a few different publications:

Lake Mahopac was so much crowded, the past season, or, rather, the hotels in its immediate vicinity were, that the farm-houses were filled with visitors. One of the worthy farmers residing there, it appears, was especially worried to death by boarders. — They found fault with his table — this thing was bad and wasn't fit to eat — and at last the old fellow got so tired of trying to please them, that he undertook as the last resource to reason the matter with them.

"Darn it," said old Isaac, one day, "what a fuss you're making; I can eat anything."

"Can you eat crow?" said one of his young boarders.

"Yes, I kin eat crow."

"Bet you a hat," said his guest. The bet was made, a crow caught and nicely roasted, but before serving up, they contrived to season it with a good dose of Scotch snuff.

Isaac sat down to the crow. He took a good bite, and began to chew away. "Yes," he said, "I kin eat crow (another bite and awful face), I kin eat crow, (symptoms of nausea), I kin eat crow; but I'll be darned if I hanker after it."

There’s a moral in here somewhere, I suppose. The way I see it, we all have to eat a little crow at some point or another. But that doesn’t mean we have to enjoy it, nor should we make a regular habit of setting ourselves up for the meal. And we should probably check to see if some scoundrel has loaded the crow with snuff, just in case.

Like the man says, and I am sure Morrowbie Jukes* would agree; I kin eat crow, but I’ll be darned if I hanker after it.

*This is already enough of a long tangent, but a read of Rudyard Kipling’s tale – “The Strange Ride of Morrowbie Jukes”– would serve well to drive home that whole hubris/regret/crow diet vibe. Stay salty, my friends.

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Comments

Vikb
+8 Pete Roggeman Cr4w Todd Hellinga Mike Ferrentino Andy Eunson DadStillRides capnron kcy4130

It's funny reading this article reminds me how horrifyingly shitty my first few mountain bikes were and yet how much I loved riding them. I'm glad we've reached the promised land where brakes stop the bike and bikes don't break every weekend. 

My favourite eat crow moment was my first trip to Sedona. I had seen a small side bar about it in Bike Magazine. Loaded up the truck, GF and dog plus camping gear and we head south from Alberta to the desert for some winter riding. My GF was struggling with the tech so she was a ways behind me. I'm waiting when a pink jeep full of tourists passes slowly. I'm trackstanding...because cool...then start to lose my balance when I learn that desert dust + SPD = hard to unclip and fall ungracefully to the side of  the jeep road, bike still attached, and impale my ass on some cactus spines, in front of the loaded Pink Jeep. My GF rolls up a few seconds later and laughs.

That was the start of many great road trips to Sedona and the last ride on SPDs I ever did. I bought a set of Time ATACs at a Sedona LBS and never looked back...until I saw the light and realized flat was were it's at.

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enduroExpert78
+7 Mammal Timer mrbrett Pete Roggeman Cr4w twk DadStillRides

I appreciate that those 'suspenders' were tandem rated. It would be most unfortunate to succumb to a trail calamity after building up a tandem with unrated kit.

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xy9ine
+4 Pete Roggeman Mike Ferrentino kcy4130 Chipps

i had a set of those (still have, actually) . looked very trick, but were decidedly not great. super flexy laterally & torsionally (USD + qr axle + not much bushing overlap), they'd even twist under braking. and they were elastomer sprung - which felt ok out of the box (all 2.5" of travel), but the elastomers would gradually harden & compress and the fork would get progressively shittier. 

[tales from the rocking chair] - those who didn't experience the janky old days have no idea how ridiculously good current bike tech is.

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mikeferrentino
+6 Perry Schebel Andy Eunson twk okiecalvin capnron Pete Roggeman

They were SO bad! And SO heavy! And SO flexy! There was a wonderful guy who was part of the San Francisco DFL crew back then - Jungle Jon as everyone knew him. He was a trials rider and an old school freak known for dispensing sage wisdom in the form of one liners. A few weeks after that Mammoth debacle, he asked to take my bike for a spin. In front of several of us he did some log hops and stoppies and a few other trials-y moves. About 5 minutes total. When he handed the bike back to me, the bonded in axle caps at the bottom of the upside down stanchions were both loose enough to be visibly rocking back and forth when you put the brake on and pushed the bike. This in addition to the already very noticeable side to side play coming from the Bullseye front hub... I pointed out the new back and forth slop to Jungle Jon, stating that he'd just rooted my fork in very short order. He shrugged, smiled cryptically and said, "That's what happens with the cutting edge. Sometimes you get cut..."

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taprider
+1 Mike Ferrentino

I used to run into Jungle Jon Poschman often.  He was wilder and crazier than Lumpy and Rocket Ron.  He would often look like a homeless person with a beater bike and totally sandbag everyone. But better known for being a "brave Earth Warrior who gave his life in uncompromising defense of Mother Earth" (from Experiences with Earth First! Adventures in Activism by Patrick Fisher). Suspected to have been dissapeared into a pig farm for saving forests.

https://www.facebook.com/JonJunglePoschman/?ref=page_internal

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mikeferrentino
0

He was a beautiful soul, for sure. The very first I met him, around 1987, my buddy Dean and I had driven up from the South Bay and ridden up Tam from Pantoll. At the time we thought even that little distance was a big ride. At the top we met Jungle and this British guy. I asked where they had ridden from, and he pointed back to San Francisco. I asked, incredulously, "All that way, on dirt?"

A few years later he and I were heaving bikes off into the bushes at south the end of the Golden Gate Bridge late at night and diving after them as we ran from the cops, who had a dim view of people crossing the bridge at night, and probably an even dimmer view of anarchists like Jon.

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taprider
+1 Mike Ferrentino

the life of Jungle would be a great story

hint hint

many North Shore riders knew him from back in the CanAm Championship days

Sethsg
+1 Pete Roggeman

Unless you started out on a $500 dollar "mountain bike" like the trek marlin 6. 

To be fair it lasted pretty long until the rear axle started to bend more and more. The fork also started to flex 3-4 mm back and forward, and it would work way better when it was raining because the water would lubricate the seals.

I kinda miss it...

I am only 15 and have a huge appreciation for my new-to-me "modern" FS mountain bike. I just experienced the new janky days.

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craw
+1 Mike Ferrentino

I bet your Suspenders and my Lawwill Leader could share some war stories.

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mikeferrentino
0

I kinda loved those Lawwill Leaders, but never owned a pair or rode them long enough to discover the bad stuff...

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Bikeryder85
+6 mrbrett Graham Driedger Pete Roggeman Todd Hellinga Andrew Major DadStillRides

Wait...ss in not the future? Has someone told Andrew???

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AndrewMajor
+5 Vik Banerjee Pete Roggeman Cr4w Todd Hellinga mrbrett twk cole128

Dipshit author writing some arrogant as fuck article about how singlespeeding rules over everything else, check.”

I admit that at first I was feeling a little attacked… but then I realized that this is the equivalent of 2021’s Madonna critiquing 1990’s Madonna for her look/outlook. 

Not that every decade’s Madonna isn’t relevant, but that Retrotech is a light remastering away from being awesome today if that makes sense.

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Vikb
+6 Pete Roggeman Cr4w Andrew Major Todd Hellinga twk mikeynets

It's clear Mike was too Alpha for Beta. It's okay we want to read that article you have in your drafts folder about rigid singlespeeding superiority. And for what it's worth we will now imagine you dressed as Madonna for Halloween banging out the last edits on your laptop.

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craw
+3 Andrew Major Mike Ferrentino Vik Banerjee

Pretty sure you've read that article already on this very platform. A few times. :)

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AndrewMajor
+3 Pete Roggeman Cr4w Vik Banerjee

Nah… I’m not really a #1FG or rigid bike evangelist. I think it requires too much patience and pertinacity for the average person in a long-travel e~bike world. 

Happy to talk rigid bike geometry anytime though of course… hahahaha

———

Vik, I think I’m flattered as long as you’re picturing my bearded-dad-bod adorned as any 80s/90s Madonna look. Not as into the later stuff.

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pete@nsmb.com
+3 Cr4w Andrew Major capnron

Shots successfully deflected, Andrew!

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Vikb
+4 Andrew Major taprider DadStillRides Pete Roggeman

> Vik, I think I’m flattered as long as you’re picturing my bearded-dad-bod adorned as any 80s/90s Madonna look. Not as into the later stuff.

The more we talk about this the less comfortable I am feeling. What was the safe word? "Hammerschmidt!!!!"

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AndrewMajor
+2 Vik Banerjee taprider

Hahahaha! In this case the safe word was definitely “Singlespeed.”

mikeferrentino
+3 Vik Banerjee mikeynets okiecalvin

That was in no way meant as an attack on anyone, except maybe my 29 year old self. And that dickhead could use a bit of an attitude check...

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Vikb
+2 taprider capnron

We are just having fun Mike. Welcome to the asylum. *hugs*

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Chipps
0

I bought/bartered that actual frame away from Mike in the mid-nineties. It served me well for a year or so (including the first Singlespeed Worlds in 1995...) but then an encounter with a ditch steepened the head angle to road bike levels (didn't break though!) and it was later given a straight downtube by a local UK framebuilder and it's probably still riding around somewhere... 

I did miss out on Mike's garage-sale Merlin Newsboy Titanium though. That really  was the one that got away...

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FlipFantasia
+1 Adrian Bostock

1xHTFU

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Joe_Dick
0

1 X my back may never forgive me.

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SprSonik
+2 Vik Banerjee Chipps

SS always has a place in the future. Love my SS and ride it more than my geared bike most of the time.

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rwalters
+4 Todd Hellinga Pete Roggeman Mike Ferrentino capnron

“SHOCKING PERFORMANCE” - haha, I don’t doubt that for a second!!

I spent a day riding the lifts at Mammoth about 10 years ago. I was there with my “north shore style” DH bike. My 36t ring gave me away as “definitely not a local”.

The Kamikaze was one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve had on a bicycle. We rightfully think the Sea-to-Sky is a pretty gnarly zone - but the Kamikaze is a special kind of gnarly, and it’s all in how much do you dare to let off the brakes.

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mikeferrentino
+3 Ryan Walters capnron Pete Roggeman

It's a different kind of gnarly, for sure. There was nothing very technical about it, but you needed to be really comfortable floating loosely through those ugly turns up top - all super soft pumice dust festooned with hidden loose rocks big enough to kick your wheels right out from under you, and then you needed to be comfortable with drifting around on a fireroad in a full tuck at 50mph. It can feel almost serene until things go wrong.

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cooperquinn
+4 Mike Ferrentino twk Derek Baker Pete Roggeman

I rode it somewhere around 2002 or 2003. Weirdly, I'm reminded of bits when aboard a gravel bike, where descending is often of the "if i crash, I'm not going to have any skin left" variety; spinning out in 42x10 praying you don't throw a bead. Terrifying tires, drifting around on geo that's too steep, the very elongated, almost slow motion conscious trading of braking for cornering grip... its all reminiscent of parts of Kamikaze. 

Tomac was so far ahead of his time, we're just getting there three decades later. At least the brakes sorta work now?

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pete@nsmb.com
+2 Mike Ferrentino Chipps

Tomac is still three decades ahead of you if you think he used his brakes.

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mickeyD
+3 taprider Mike Ferrentino Pete Roggeman

signed up for an NSMB account just to thank Mr. F for typing out Binda Extra, one more time, for the adoring masses.

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denomerdano
+2 Pete Roggeman Mike Ferrentino

It's like binge watching a crow eating competition, similar to "my 600lbs life" I take huge comfort in my lack of need to ride down rugged hillside on those vintage trail and errors. 

But man does it ever make for a good story!

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kos
+2 Pete Roggeman capnron

AXO moon boots?!

Pfft.

Everybody knows that an old pair of plastic Scott MX boots were the schizzle back then!

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craw
+2 Andy Eunson OneShavedLeg

Thos AXO boots were a little before my time. They were present in my local shop just after this period. Our crew had very rigid Carnacs. Which TBH were awesome. No crows here.

Carnac

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mikeferrentino
+4 Cr4w twk capnron Chipps

I had a pair of those insanely stiff Carnacs for a while. They were awesome! Whenever we sold a pair at the shop, someone would shout to the new owner, "Welcome, friend, to the cult of Carnac The Magician!"

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craw
0

Mine were just like the ones pictured but the lighter colourway. I ultimately replaced them with a more modern pair (in like 1999) that didn't fit or work as well. I am sad to not have that original pair.

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Chipps
0

I had some of those too. Those were still the comfiest clip-in shoes I've ever owned...

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Lowcard
+2 Pete Roggeman capnron

I recall racing a national DH at Tremblant and on the course was a super sketchy off camber rock face covered in green slime. Nobody was riding it clean. I stepped up to the plate after bragging about having the North Shore as my training grounds. Then the moment my front tire hit the slime, I was sliding on my ass down the face before I even realized what had happened. I had to eat a very large crow, taste an entire humble pie, as I sheepishly coasted to the bottom of the run. Wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

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CrazyLou
+2 Pete Roggeman Mark

Mike, and all...

'Eating Crow' for me, means I made a mistake...and I have to account for this to my customer-the boss, and my actual boss.

I made the call when I saw your bike, when I saw you, when I started to make assumptions about your ride, the new bike you bought, the bike you currently ride, and I STOPPED LISTENING!  

I've done this way too many times, in my time.

Thank you, Mike, for pointing this out.

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Fasta_Pasta
+1 Pete Roggeman

My older brother still believes his 26er GT LTS with elastomer fork was the best bike he ever rode. Never mind that he would bring it to my shop every other week to fix, much to the amusement of my fellow mechanics. "Bah! 29ers? Just a hype train!"

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capnron
+1 Pete Roggeman

The most inspirational story about bikes, history, and human nature I've read.

The "Crow" Ferrentino has a nice ring to it!

Thank you.

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pedalhound
0

I started on the same sea foam green Apex as Mike...that bike got me into this sport...many amazing adventures...but oh man was it shitty...haha. Also had a 52 tooth chainring and 21" bars and a hite-rite...lol..those were the days! Fond memories but I would not want to ride those bikes again! They belong on a wall or in a museum.

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