Is Mountain Biking a Personality Disorder?

Hi there Uncle Dave,

First off I have a confession, 

I have not touched a mountain bike for approximately 2 years. I was keen as you like, riding (mostly downhill) 2-3 times a week, and became quite good at the whole thing (even if I do say so myself), until one morning the bike has vanished from the shed, along with my younger brother’s and my father’s. The police were next to useless, we found it for sale online for £300, it was gone again by the time we got there etc etc…

The only wheeled transport I was left with my the trusty BMX, which has been a loyal companion ever since. It’s seen me travel around the country, attend jams, organise a local team and I’ve loved it, but I find myself in a bit of a pickle now that I am to be a father very soon. 

I fear greatly that I need to check myself before I wreck myself. 

I have greater responsibilities, which means I can’t afford to be hurling myself down rails and stair sets with my serial lack of precision.

So the question I have for you is, do I ditch the little wheels and go back to the big ones? 

I hear the dirt is soft this time of year. Surely there will be less injuries?

Kind Regards,
Torn

Dear Rip:

I’ve always thought of snowboarding and wakeboarding as the sports that people start doing once they’re too old to skateboard. They both require way less skill and way more money, but allow people to feel relevant athletically into middle age. Now with wakesurfing…I mean come on! If there was ever a sport for 90-year-old millionaires, this is it!

BMX and mountain biking have a similar relationship. We’ve essentially just taken the dirt aspect of BMX, and then thrown a bunch of technology on top of it to make it easier and more expensive. Maybe that’s not a bad thing…but still…I’m guessing there aren’t too many BMXers arguing on the Internet about which hub standard is best for their $10,000 carbon fiber bicycle.

So, I’m not saying that BMX is better than mountain biking, and I’m not saying that we don’t want you to come back and join our sport. But I’m thinking that the longer you can keep riding that BMX, the better off you’ll be in the long run.

Sorry,
Uncle Dave

Dear Uncle Dave,

This applies to everyone, but I direct it at you for the purpose of flowery illustration and eventually to query a response. I propose that there are at least two of you! Probably an entire company of you, but in the interests of time and respect for your therapist let’s focus on the two biggest “youz” relevant to online/offline mountain biking experience. I’ll start with a question specific to your circumstance, Dave. Do you answer questions for this column while you are riding your bicycle or when you are sitting online in front of a computer? You can’t be doing both at the same time… unless you are a maestro hipster wearing Google glass busting out an ocular recognition reply. We will assume you are not that guy and continue. This is where the divergence develops. When you are “on” your bike, you are the onbike cyclist. When you are “off” your bike, you are the offbike cyclist. And these two characters have very different personalities and trigger points. I am tempted to blurt out Jekyll and Hyde, but let’s say Bert and Ernie. Confusion arises when the offbike cyclist (Bert) gets on the internet and still thinks he is the onbike cyclist (Ernie)… and it’s that offbike-online cyclist that can be the real misinterpreted menace! He thinks he is Ernie, riding ribbon track across the meadow perfectly in sync with his buddies, butterflies and wildflowers, but acts out like Bert with snarky comments, exaggerated expressions and fits of bone dry common sense thinking everyone will just get it. Over and over we hear people lambasting the Berts, but they are failing to realize that Bert is just a grumpy because he is not on his bike. The muck of sedentary posture has taken over. But put Bert back on his bike and he won’t mention your wheel size, hub width, brand loyalties or even your abilities. His “Ernie bliss world” returns and giggles of delight echo through the forest once again. They are, in fact, the same person at different times. A scientist might argue that the endorphins released from watching bike movies are no different than endorphins released while riding bicycles, but the inner Ernie in us knows that actually being outside is different than simulated outside or videos of outside. A happy balance between the duality of Bert and Ernie is key to a quality mountain bicycle experience in today’s world of distractions. So my question is… why do we take Bert so seriously on the Internet or anywhere? When pointless bickering or irrational exuberance arises shouldn’t the correct response be… “Let’s go for a ride and we can talk about it when we get back?”

Your Cutest Nephew,
Bunky

Dear Bunky:

I’m not certain that I totally understand what you are talking about, but I like it. It seems to agree with my philosophies; that human beings don’t make any sense and that nothing good comes from any conversation that takes place on the Internet. I kind of want to just let this stand, and thank you for padding out the column this week, but you did ask a question so I guess I have to answer it.

I think you’re bang on when you talk about our split personalities, but you haven’t taken it far enough. You’re right about Bert and Ernie. We all recognize those two characters. Ernie certainly isn’t a problem. Ernie keeps us going. But it’s not Bert that is the problem, either. Bert has a job. Bert lets us buy all these nice things. Bert is fine. Our problem is with Oscar. Oscar, the Internet Cyclist.

Bert and Ernie are both characters that adhere to societies norms. They’re polite (relatively). They eat with a fork and a knife (or chopsticks when they go out for sushi). They approach criticism with care and concern, avoiding harm and harsh language. They suppress their urges to act out, yell at people and spoil the party.

But Oscar. Oh man, Oscar. Oscar is a real asshole. Oscar only gets let out of the basement a few times a day and when he does, well, he’s off like a roid-raging teenager. You think he’s going to deal well with criticism? You think he has any manners? He hardly sees daylight or mammals. He eats dried ramen in his underwear. He doesn’t know any better than to take this stuff seriously. I mean, Oscar’s interests are so specialized…so boring and meaningless to the majority of society…he over-compensates when he finds that special little corner of the Internet where he hears these primal noises that exist no place else. “Boost?” “650b?” “Dumbing down the Shore?” Oh man. It’s spinach to Popeye. Measles to Jenny McCarthy.

The interesting thing is that if you accidentally dragged Oscar along to a dinner party, the results would be similar to your average bulletin board conversation. Within a few minutes he’d have his shirt off and he’d be breaking dishes, spilling wine and yelling at the hostess that she must be in on the Industry Conspiracy since she insists on taking their side. Oscar is a real problem.

Sorry,
Uncle Dave

For the second time we’re giving away a custom, RaceFace Loam Ranger quilted flannel jacket – with an NSMB.com logo. Bunky – you win the prize. The rest of you, get your questions in to Uncle Dave – and you might win something too.

Available now.

Are you Bert and/or Ernie?