An Homage to a Classic
It's Vest Season, Motherfuckers
If you're not terminally online, or your brain does the appropriate thing and periodically cleans out the archives to make room for more useful information, you can revisit the original It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers here. As NSMB's resident vest connoisseur, I thought it was time to celebrate the season.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking vests and arrange them on neat hangers by the door. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find those sleeveless fuckers, dust them off, and jam the entryway with an insanely ornate assortment of GoreTex and polyester fibers. When my guests come over, it’s gonna be like BLAMMO! Check out my shake-dry PFAS, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of shit to keep my core warm.
I may even throw some multi-colored long-sleeve merino into the mix, because a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking climbing trail for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those steep bits straining your quads?” And I’m just going to punch straight up the hill without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”
Closing loamers sounds like a pretty fitting way to ring in the season. You know what else does? Performing an all-sleeveless reenactment of an episode of Diff’rent Strokes—specifically the one when Arnold and Dudley experience a disturbing brush with sexual molestation. Well, this shit just got real, didn’t it? Felonies and vests have one very important commonality: they’re both extremely fucking real. Sorry if that’s upsetting, but I’m not doing you any favors by shielding you from this anymore.
The next thing I’m going to do is cut sleeves off one of my jackets into a perfect replica of the Core Rat Bullit as a shout-out to our freeride forefathers. Then I’m going to do lines of blow off its cordura with a hooker. Why? Because it’s not summer, it’s not winter, and it’s not spring. Grab a calendar and pull your fucking heads out of your asses; it’s fall, fuckers.
Not a goddamn sleeve in sight.
Have you ever been to a local bike shop, overstock COVID inventory hanging from its ceiling on blowout? Well, then you’re going to fucking love my house. Just look where you’re walking, or you’ll get suffocated by the gauntlet of highly-technical, sleeve-free bastards swinging from above. And when you do, you’re going to hear a very loud, very stereotypical ex-salty-mechanic’s laugh coming from me. Consider yourself warned.
Vest Season is here. Lap it up.
For now, all I plan to do is to throw on a flannel shirt, some tattered overalls, and a fucking Smith Forefront 2 and stand in the middle of a muddy loamer for a few days. The first rider that tries to roll through in shitty conditions is going to get their ass pulaski-punched all the way back to summer.
Welcome to autumn, fuckheads!
Oh fuck yeah. Photo: Deniz Merdano
Comments
Dave Smith
1 month, 1 week ago
I'm invested in this article
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Todd Hellinga
1 month, 1 week ago
There's just one thing, Dude. Do you have to use so many cuss words?
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
The fuck you talking about?
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Todd Hellinga
1 month, 1 week ago
Okay, Dude. Have it your way.
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Jerry Willows
1 month, 1 week ago
You won't be standing too long and vests are the best.
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Mark
1 month, 1 week ago
An article on vests feels incomplete without input from Andrew.
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Cam McRae
1 month, 1 week ago
Incomplete as in, without sleeves? Maybe that’s apropos?
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Mark
1 month, 1 week ago
Indubitably.
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Bagheera
1 month, 1 week ago
Bwahaha, wasn't familiar with the original, but I'm going to throw on a vest now and do some seasonal slipping around on fallen leaves and hidden wet roots... brilliant piece.
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Seven86
1 month, 1 week ago
haha good writing🤣
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tmoore
1 month, 1 week ago
I hope I don't read the term "bi... sla...." here again. Not funny, cool, or tough
And, full rain gear here. This is the time of year we find out what our trails are made of
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albert03
1 month, 1 week ago
Agreed, this term should be edited out right now.
Separately, I love vests and love Fall. But, since I have the option, once peak fall colors have passed I trade wet leaves covering slippery roots for desert rocks and cacti. Just have to recognize that if that shallow exposed root coils up, it's not a root, it's a diamondback.
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Cam McRae
1 month, 1 week ago
Agreed. Good call.
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
That phrase was in the original, but that doesn't mean it needs to be here. Fair, and edited.
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Brad Nyenhuis
1 month, 1 week ago
Shut up or I'll give you a good....
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Andy Eunson
1 month, 1 week ago
Geologists current and ex dig vests because cruiser vests are cool. I think that’s why I like vest packs. Maybe because I grew up watching black and white westerns where the heroes wore vests. I dunno. Vests are damn cool though.
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jhtopilko
1 month, 1 week ago
vests have thier place.
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rolly
1 month, 1 week ago
This is going to sound crazy, but can someone please create a short sleeved jacket/shell? I like the idea of vests, but I don't like the chill on my upper arms.
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Cooper Quinn
1 month ago
They exist! See below comments for options from Fox and Rapha.
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06hokieMTB
1 month ago
A 3/4 sleeve softshell or wind breaker would be surprisingly useful for a mountain bike
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Phil Szczepaniak
1 month, 1 week ago
wait... does closing loamers actually work in your neck of the woods?
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Jerry Willows
1 month, 1 week ago
It does. People pretty respectful here. Less Bro Brah culture I would say. We have way less percentage of people picking up shovels and doing any kind of maintenance. Especially the E crowd.
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Cr4w
1 month, 1 week ago
Shots fired.
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Cam McRae
1 month, 1 week ago
I think several in the e-crowd were doing maintenance with you quite recently Jdub.
And “way less” compared to where?
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Jerry Willows
1 month, 1 week ago
when I say e-crowd, I meant mainly ride E or just ride E. Way less compared to anywhere else in BC. I saw numerous vehicles going up Seymour with racks full but yet saw very few clearing out drains. Didn't even get a thanks for the trail work....
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Cam McRae
1 month, 1 week ago
How do you get this data that suggests "way less than anywhere else in BC?" And how is that measured?
Everyone I know has thanked you for your work. Are you saying that some people don't thank you? And that some people don't do any work? And that some people just ride and never help out?
I believe that is true everywhere.
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Jerry Willows
1 month, 1 week ago
A super huge riding population and only a handful of people doing non paid ma. I know much smaller places that have more people helping out. I say it time and time again, help maintain the trails you regularly ride. Action speaks louder than words.
Cam McRae
1 month, 1 week ago
Define handful? Words are important. Weren't there nine people helping you out just last Saturday? That's already a big hand. How do you know what's been happening on Fromme and Cypress? Lots of work being done in both places unpaid. I've been on Seymour less frequently lately but I certainly know of way more than a "handful" of builders and others who help out on trails when they can.
Also - you attract more bees with honey.
Jerry Willows
1 month, 1 week ago
doesn't show Reply on your last comment but I probably know what's going on better than most. Honey doesn't attract more bees... I find a lot of people riding here are entitled and don't think helping out applies to them.
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Todd Hellinga
1 month ago
laughcries in squamptonian
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Ryan
1 month, 1 week ago
10/10 no notes
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XXX_er
1 month, 1 week ago
I we had Cruiser vests for forestry research and then I got my own for running saw cutting ski runs, so instead of a pack I could carry enough chain oil/ water/food / 2 spare chains/ all the gear needed to cut for 6 hrs
for the bike i have a microft vest from Taiga which is great on the road for wind block
its getting cold up here so I got a soft shell Patagonnia vest which gives some warmth
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
For skiing I use a Dakine Poacher RAS
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XXX_er
1 month, 1 week ago
While a vest works for running saw I duno that i would like a vest for BC skiing, I want 40L of volume and I duno if the Vest has that ?
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
Works well for sidecountry/slackcountry.
No, I wouldn't take it for a full day of touring or anything, unless maybe it was spring and guaranteed nice out.
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Derek Baker
1 month, 1 week ago
I <3 vest season! Or is it gilet season?
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
Ha, depends on how bent your bars are, I guess!
Although not using that word in this piece is a glaring omission, now that you point it out.
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DanL
1 month, 1 week ago
Thanks for the great treat here, Cooper, much Onion vibes too.
Appropriately those Fjallraven / Specialized vests are on sale as is the vest adventure onesie which could be the ultimate flex and/or power play.
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WolfTwenty1
1 month, 1 week ago
Lol.
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utopic
1 month, 1 week ago
What did I just read? XD
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jason
1 month, 1 week ago
Got a new Fox Flexait Lite Dogwood jacket. Waterproof but SHORT sleeved. wierdest jacket I own, but awesome. Andrew Major would approved.
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Cr4w
1 month, 1 week ago
Hadn't heard of that jacket. Weird for sure. Still more ventilation than a full sleeve jackets but better coverage because of shoulders plus a little warmer for that. Interesting. Though I'm guessing it's on sale because few people got it.
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Cam McRae
1 month, 1 week ago
I know several industry peeps who love this style. I think Specialized made one as well.
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
Rapha makes a short sleeve jacket, too. Put me on the list as "curious, but not curious enough to try it yet"
https://www.rapha.cc/gb/en/shop/mens-trail-insulated-short-sleeve-jacket/product/AOB01XX
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Morgan Heater
1 month, 1 week ago
Needs a hood.
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XXX_er
1 month ago
I like a hood for BC skiing but IME the hood on my soft shell FOR BIKING was just a too bulky of an extra layer under the suspension system of my bike helmet so it broke it, so I no longer use a hood for mtn biking and then it gets muddy back there at this time of year, a less bulky balaclava was a better idea with 5 layers yesturday at around zero
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chacou
1 month, 1 week ago
Love it.
While autumn is wrapping up here, temps going from high of 67F today to about 37F tomorrow, vest season always starts in mid/late autumn and runs through the dark months and well into spring.
In the last year or two I've started really leaning into the vest. Finding myself putting on some leggings under pants and grabbing a vest to wear over a fleece or flannel for a pedal or skiing in my insulated vest over shell on cold days rather than switching to an added mid-layer or heavier outer layer.
I'm cheap with two kids in the throes of schooling so I don't splurge on the "nice" vests. Since it's generally dry and sunny in CO I'm able to split time between a very breathable yet warm Woolrich fleece vest (great mid-layer or outer layer for sunny days) and an extremely cheap "plastic" but toasty polyfill vest picked up at TJ Maxx. Add a bit of Nikwax and it's an awesome outer layer and ski vest at a fraction of the cost. Further DIY, I'm getting close with a light 2k Northface shell on the vest conversion, likely it'll happen in the coming weeks, since this coat has seen nearly a dozen year of abuse and the sleeves are going. Then I'll have a solid triumvarite!
Aside, I couldn't help reading and thinking of Mr. Major. I consider him the "vest daddy", lighting the spark for me into the world of DIY vests.
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Cooper Quinn
1 month, 1 week ago
"vest daddy"... Sir/Madam, I'm not here to kink-shame, but this is a website about mountain biking.
Jokes aside, even with my deep love of vests, my whole collection for cycling is pictured there. I have VERY warm/dry, warm, dry, and emotional support varietals for a total of four.
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LDG
1 month, 1 week ago
All vets connoisseurs here, please help! Looking for something that's waterproof to wear over a torso protector, for park/enduro riding!
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Cooper Quinn
1 month ago
I'd just size up?
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06hokieMTB
1 month ago
https://www.rei.com/product/202658/rei-co-op-swiftland-running-vest-mens
Waterproof will be tough to find in a vest, but that option is good for warding off muddy spray from the tires and drizzle from the sky.
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