Ask Uncle Dave Chainsaw Guy
Ask Uncle Dave

Dear Uncle Dave: I love your blog and can't wait to participate!

Words Dave Tolnai
Date Nov 21, 2017

Before you take a few minutes to tell me all about how stupid this particular column is, let me save you the bother.  I know it is.  Really. I know. I was working on something else and I didn't finish it so I thought I'd make something of the way I've been killing my boredom over the last few weeks. For some reason, I've been getting all sorts of spam about collaborating on "blogs"...and one guy who really wants to buy stuff from me.  I thought I would share that correspondence.  I really, really hope one of them tries to claim the prize.


Hi Uncle Dave

Am Mr Chainsaw Guy.I would like to place an order of(chainsaw bar oil)from your company to Haiti,kindly email me with the types you have and their prices and also ,your term of payment.Waiting for your prompt responses.

Thanks

Mr Chainsaw Guy


Dear Chags:

Come on!  At least ask to purchase a pair of over-priced socks or something that we actually do make.  And get rid of the brackets.  It’s really unprofessional.

Sorry,

Uncle Dave


This next response really surprised me.  They got back really quickly, and they'd obviously done their research.


Hi Uncle Dave

Thanks for the feedback,kindly get back to me with the total cost of 35 pieces of 2018 Bontrager Line Comp 30 Wheels as well the type of credit card you accept.ASAP

Regards

Mr Chainsaw Guy


Dear Chags:


$50,000.  We only accept Discover.

Sorry,

Uncle Dave


Hello Uncle Dave:

Thanks.i would like to order 60 pieces regard forwarding of the unit to Haiti,i would like you to contact Mr Mr Michael Vallejos of Convey.F&V International Forwarders .at  cfishipping@hotmail.com  and give them the weight of the order and your address for pick up and request a shipping quote from them to ship my order from your pick up address to my clients address below. Get back to me ASAP when you get a shipping quote from them so that I can call to pay for my order today. Thank you and waiting to hear from you.
Ship to

8 rue Legitime

HT-6112-23

Bois verna HT 6114


Regards

Mr Chainsaw Guy


Dear Chags:

There must be some rad trails in Haiti to need so many wheels!  Bitchin!  What sort of riding will you be doing with these wheels?  All-mountain shredding?  Sick jumps?  Or just Whistler Village style posing?


I've never shipped this quantity of goods before.  I'd imagine about $5,000 to get this out to you.

Sorry,

Uncle Dave


Hi Uncle Dave

Am Mr Chainsaw Guy based in the state and am ordering this unit to my client in Haiti.Thank

Sincerely,

Mr Chainsaw Guy


Dear Chags:

Oh.  So you don't know exactly how they are going to use them.  I see.  That's concerning.  I'm not sure how we're going to get the right part to them.  Are we talking 650b?  29er?  Or are these guys #26forlife?  And don't even get me started on hubs!  135?  142?  Boost?  Super Boost Extra Plus, or whatever it is they're calling it?  I don't know how to get this sorted.  Confused!


Sorry,

Uncle Dave

*crickets*  Apparently e-mail scammers hate new hub standards as well.


Hi there Uncle Dave
I came across your site while looking for resources for our next blog and I knew I had to reach out immediately, kudos on a fantastic blog. My name is Elisa, and I'm reaching out on behalf of a leading car manufacturer.

This month, we're looking to secure sponsorship placements with five prominent blogs and your site jumped straight to the top of our list. Please let me know if this is something you're interested in discussing further.
Kind regards,
Auto Focused


Hi there Uncle Dave

I reached out last week but haven't heard back. I wanted to see if there was an opportunity to sponsor a post on your site.

Please see my initial email below.

Best wishes,

Auto Focused

 

Dear Asseff:

Are you a real person?

Sorry,

Uncle Dave

 

Hello Uncle Dave,
Thanks for getting back to me.
To give you an idea on what we do, we would be looking to write sponsored content for your site. This content would usually come in the form of a 500-word article and would include a ‘do-follow’ link to our client. The writer of the article would spend time on your site and get a feel for tone, style, and the type of content you usually post. They can go and write a tailored article for your blog. You can review, edit and reject the article if you find it not suitable. We want to contribute to your site and pay you for the privilege of posting it. However, we don't divulge the name of our clients or brands at this stage - normally only when the articles are sent over for review.
As long as you are comfortable, we would also request that the post not be marked as ‘sponsored’.
In this regard, would you accept sponsored posts? As a verification and confirmation, can you send me the specific name of your site/s if this is something you would be interested in?
Regards,
Auto Focused

Dear Asseff:

Holy crap!  Cars are like…real things that lots of people care about.  Car manufacturers are like…serious companies that make a lot of money.  We’re in!  Tell us more!


Sorry,

Uncle Dave

 

Annnnnnd....I lost her.  Maybe I was too eager?


Hi there Uncle Dave,

I came across your site while looking for resources for our next blog and I knew I had to reach out immediately, kudos on a fantastic blog. My name is Peter Pan, and I'm reaching out on behalf of an online gaming company.

This month, we're looking to secure sponsorship placements with five prominent blogs and your site jumped straight to the top of our list. Please let me know if this is something you're interested in discussing further. We would be willing to offer you somewhere in the region of $30 for a sponsored post.

Let me know your thoughts.

Kind regards,

Peter Pan

 

Dear Peeps:

“Online Gaming Companies” sounds to me like something a person with rich parents start when they don’t want to get a real job. I think you can afford more than $30 per post.  Try again.

Sorry,

Uncle Dave


Nope.  Not interested. I must be losing my touch.


Hi there Uncle Dave,

I just read North Shore Mountain Biking Forums - how to tell nsmb has hit rock bottom, I think you had some great points which is why I think a collaboration between us could work well. I represent a digital marketing agency currently working with an international adult social media platform who operates in the same marketplace as Tinder and cams.com.

We are in the process of securing sponsored placements for our client and we were wondering if you were interested in featuring such a post on your site. For the privilege of being featured on your site, we would be happy to offer a fee in the region of $75.

Sincerely;

Tough Love

 

Dear Tolls:

Hey man. You can’t trust those guys in the Forum, at all.  They talk about all kinds of crazy shit that nobody really understands.  I mean…it’s been years since NSMB hit rock bottom.  But…$75 is a lot more than those other guys are offering. Please tell me more…and send that link to the Forum thread! I need to start taking names.

Sorry,

Uncle Dave



Uncle Dave's Music Club

I seem to remember that we were somewhat current last time.  So let's go way, way, way back in time today.

I loved this song as a kid, and still do. It's like four songs, mashed into one. Why doesn't anybody do that any longer?  How do you decide to burn four good ideas on one song, rather than milking it out into an entire album?


I made the mistake of playing some Elton John in iTunes as I wrote this article.  I tend to get a bit focused and lose track of what is going on.  Start with "I'm Still Standing" and somehow you find yourself listening to "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?"  Which apparently doesn't suck as a song, we just don't like it because Elton John is old.


We were actually lucky enough to see Brian Wilson a year or two back when he rolled through Vancouver.  We were easily the youngest people in the crowd by a good decade or two. And that is a shame.  I honestly think it's bloody "Kokomo" that has prevented The Beach Boys from being up there with the greatest of the greats.  "Don't Worry Baby" is such a perfect song.  It starts off a bit meh, but at 0:34 it turns into the saddest bloody song. I'm a sucker for any strong that pulls such strong emotion.



I hated Rod Stewart as a kid.  I can't even remember which shitty piece of schmaltzy crap it was that made it so.  I was surprised to dig into his older stuff in my 20's and discover that the dude used to kick some ass.


All right, so...no one gets a prize, because we're sure as hell not sending something out to those spammers - certainly not 60 pairs of Bontrager Line Pros. But let's lift the veil on the next prize so you can send in some good questions for the next Ask Uncle Dave. We'll send you a 64 oz. Insulated Growler from Hydro Flask. They come in lots of colours, but more importantly, they keep your beer cold. Or your water, if you like your water in huge quantities, without hops, barley, yeast or malt. You savage.

Send your questions into askuncledave@nsmb.com. Maybe you'll get lucky. Maybe you'll get mocked.

Hydro Flask 64 oz. Black
Hydro Flask 64 oz. Citron
Hydro Flask 64 oz. Mint
Hydro Flask 64 oz. Pacific

Trending on NSMB

Comments

fartymarty
0
fartymarty  - Nov. 21, 2017, 12:43 a.m.

Damn that is a nice looking flask / bottle what ever you wanna call it.  Does it fit a water bottle cage? (Sorry we don't do oz in UK so no idea how big 64 oz is...)

Reply

slimshady76
0
Luix  - Nov. 21, 2017, 4:58 a.m.

Holy crap, I can't even type this answer in as I'm literally crying out of laugh!!! You seem to have some sort of inner magnetism for all the weirdos out there in the interwebz. And for the record, I'm certainly including myself in that collective.

Now getting serious, this global gig economy is surely making a lot more people struggle to make an extra dime by shooting in the dark. Those ones up there are excellent examples of gals fishing for a dollar. 

And as hard it is to admit, the only thing capable of saving NSMB from its unavoidable demise -or capable of moving it a few weeks at least- would be involving the staff in the sex cam business. So please folks, start shopping for latex thongs and put away the flannel shirts.

Reply

DaveSmith
0
Dave Smith  - Nov. 21, 2017, 9:51 a.m.

Amazed. Simply amazed. Thanks, Dave.

Reply

davetolnai
+1 Merwinn
Dave Tolnai  - Nov. 21, 2017, 1:21 p.m.

Ha ha!  He wrote me back again.  And I quote:

"Hi
Thanks for your concerned,just forward your website to my client in Haiti and he seems to be okay with the  Spot Mayhem 29 on the North Shore,kindly get back to me with the prices and sizes,Waiting to hear back from you now "

He must have really loved Perry's review.

Reply

natbrown
0
natbrown  - Nov. 21, 2017, 2:08 p.m.

Nice. I regularly use the text from when you replied to a spammer ages ago (https://nsmb.com/articles/uncle-dave-has-a-booboo-ask-uncle-dave/). It's good for spam, as well as responding to certain bureaucrats at my work.

Reply

kos
0
Kos  - Nov. 22, 2017, 7:11 a.m.

Fun stuff!

FWIW, the Line Pro 30s are available only in Boost.

I hope this helps with the troubles you seem to be having.

Get well soon!

Reply

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