NSMB -  BEST BIKE IN THE WORLD
EDITORIAL

The Best Bike In The World

Words Andrew Major
Photos Dave Smith
Date Oct 8, 2018

The Best Bike In The World*

Voraciously swallowing all surrounding light. The Best Bike is so black I can’t find it at night. The world’s best weapon, whip, sled, mount, or steed. On the bleeding edge since velocipedes. Weld Friday, race Sunday, sell Monday they’d say. Carbon lead times aside it’s still valid today.

180 mills up front and out back. The seat angle’s steep and the head’s f*cking slack. It coasts down the trail like I broke off the chain. It pops off the lips with more lift than a plane. It climbs like a goat if that goat was on speed. It has mounts for four bottles for H20 needs.

The reach is the same as my buddy’s XL. With an 840 Manticor it fits me quite well. It’s true that I’m only five nine inches tall. But, I still think most people choose bikes far too small.

*originally published Feb. 24th, 2017


The Best Bike in the World

Could this be a photo of the World’s Best Bike? Or maybe it’s just a machine that we like…

Climbing

It floats up huge climbs like it’s pumped full of steam. I think it’s pulled right from Ned Overend’s dreams. Schurter could rip it straight to first place (with fast tires, half the travel, and one-third less weight).

If there comes a time when I need it to race. I’ll buy big carbon hoops to hasten my pace. The stock tires are a Plus set of two seven by threes. They roll over rocks, roots, dogs and large trees.

Slacker than The Dude but it can still climb. I pedal to rides and I’m always on time. On my final lap up to CBC. I’d swear there’s a Vivax inside the BB.

The low cog’s so huge that the bike needs two chains. Decimal gearing, gain ratios the same. The shifting’s so light, the action so nice. Challenging features don’t make me think twice.

Sitting and spinning works for most hills. Or, stand up and grind for some firm sprinting thrills. Traction is endless right off the top. But support is still firm when the hammer is dropped. No lever to lever or switch to flip closed. Climbing performance is right on the nose.

The Best Bike in the World sure doesn’t dawdle. It rips up the climbs like an E~Bike with throttle.

Best Bike

It climbs like it’s been equipped with a motor. The 180mm travel makes me endlessly bolder.

Descending

Because it goes up with such piss and such vinegar, you might think it descends like your parents’ prime minister. That’s simply untrue, incorrect and plain wrong! It descends like a maiden thrown down by King Kong.

It crushes gnar lines like they are bike path flat and sniper transitions become runway fat. Rips out the duff like extraordinary rendition. But that’s part of the process called decomposition. It’s a trail slaying zero f*cks given machine. But because it’s a bike we can still call it green.

The brakes are the best that money can buy. They will never squeal, bitch, moan, or cry. Firm to the touch with endless modulation. Over three hundred grams lighter than the competition. They never pump up; power’s always on tap. The pads last forever and are changed in a snap.

Feather them endlessly down the steep lines. The bike squats just perfectly in the behind. The stock tires of course are simply the best. Tougher and lighter than all of the rest.

Traction is excellent going both ways. Completely supportive plush travel for days. The best bike in the world descends like greased lightning. It’s so close to silent my friends say it’s frightening.

Best Bike

Rips out the duff like extraordinary rendition. But that’s part of the process called decomposition?

Cornering

So solid through berms I can do nothing wrong. Perfectly stable without being too long. Down Whistler Mountain it holds any line. Climbing back up tight switchbacks are mine.

Lean it hard in or keep it upright. Pump it out wide or carve mean and tight. No line is wrong when every line’s fast. So quick out of turns that you’ll never get passed.

It doesn’t care if the corners are flat. Piled high with rocks. Or endlessly stacked.
If you check out my GoPro you’ll see that I railed. The Best Bike in the World has cornering nailed.

Best Bike

It doesn’t care if the corners are flat. Piled high with rocks. Or endlessly stacked.

Construction

The molds are machined until beyond perfected. Still every third unit gets pulled and dissected.  Then in Taiwan carbon sheets are applied. Final checks performed thrice before you can ride.

You might find this next bit hard to believe, but it’s only for bikes this stuff called carbon weave. Folks would love it for aerospace, fishing, prosthetics. But they told all the limbless “f*ck off and forget it.”

While joy of ownership may be unrivalled, you should know that your carbon frame can’t be recycled.

It’s the greatest, the bestest next level fantastic and if I can hear you please don’t call it plastic.

Best Bike

It comes without pedals, a saddle, or grips. Bar and stem are both extra for your new whip. The best bike in the world’s about personal preference. The total end cost is paid zero deference.

Value

Half a year’s wages for a teacher round here; that’s the price before taxes and essential gear. For drivetrain replacement, if you need to ask. Before you look at the bill take a hit from your flask.

It comes without pedals, a saddle, or grip. Bar and stem are both extra for your new whip. The best bike in the world should be made to measure. And if you price it by weight you will know it’s a treasure.

Best Bike

Some say “the best bike’s the one you already own.” The Best Bike in the World says take out a loan.

Get Some

The best bike in the world has a fit that’s terrific. It comes in twelve sizes, even man specific. Not just a bike, you are buying new friends. They’ll all ask to fondle it when the ride ends.

The handling is perfectly stable and snappy. It’s worth all the coin ‘cause it will make you happy. Some say “the best bike’s the one you already own.” The Best Bike in the World says “Take out a loan”.

How can you afford not to afford one? The Best Bike in the World guarantees you more fun.


 

Comments

cerealkilla_
+4 grcgrc goose8 Cr4w Andrew Major
jdt  - Feb. 24, 2017, 10:28 p.m.

Best article I have ever read in any bike magazine ever. Perfection.

Reply

drewm
0
DrewM  - Feb. 26, 2017, 5:42 p.m.

Thank you.

Reply

+1 grcgrc
49%  - Feb. 24, 2017, 7:23 p.m.

"Because it goes up with such piss and such vinegar, you might think it descends like your parents’ prime minister.

Gold! If I ever start a bike company I will pay any amount to make this my slogan.

Reply

drewm
0
DrewM  - Feb. 24, 2017, 8:13 p.m.

Full credit to Cam for that line.

Reply

shoreboy
+2 Cam McRae Andrew Major
Shoreboy  - Oct. 9, 2018, 11:16 a.m.

Might also want to credit The Tragically Hip's song Wheat Kings....

Reply

AndrewMajor
0
Andrew Major  - Oct. 9, 2018, 1:38 p.m.

That’s what I said - Full credit to Cam for the Tragically Hip R&D :-).

Reply

taprider
+2 yahs Andrew Hewitson
taprider  - Feb. 24, 2017, 8:25 a.m.

you made me really miss the Vassago haiku thread

Reply

Brocklanders
0
yahs  - Oct. 9, 2018, 7:32 a.m.

Ya that was pure gold.

Reply

rachid-nayel
+1 Andrew Hewitson
Rachid Nayel  - Feb. 24, 2017, 8:03 a.m.

Andrew, you should put it into a children's book and title it "BIIIIIIKE!"

Reply

drewm
0
DrewM  - Feb. 25, 2017, 10:54 a.m.

Nah, if I was going to write a kids book I'd collaborate with Perry on The Adventures of Chunder Pig (and her sidekick Gnar Goat).

Reply

whatyouthink
0
whatyouthink  - Feb. 24, 2017, 7:29 a.m.

this is instant classic stuff right here. i applaud you.

Reply

taprider
+1 grcgrc
taprider  - Feb. 24, 2017, 7:15 a.m.

the bike review of all bike reviews
everyone else can just cut and paste from this one

Reply

the-chez
0
The Chez  - Feb. 24, 2017, 6:56 a.m.

Well, this covers all the bike reviews this year, eh?

Reply

GladePlayboy
+1 Andrew Major
Rob Gretchen  - Feb. 24, 2017, 6:24 a.m.

Do they have a Canadian distributor? I want one, no make it two…. 🙂

Reply

wncmotard
0
WNCmotard  - Feb. 24, 2017, 6:11 a.m.

Where can we get in a demo ride? LOL

Reply

ess-ay
+1 Andrew Major
Ess Ay  - Feb. 24, 2017, 5:12 a.m.

Bravo! Nice to see you haven't lost your (man-specific) sense of humour!

Reply

rvoi
+2 Zapp Andrew Major
rvoi  - April 28, 2017, 9:34 a.m.

"W-w-w-w-write a review of the best bike in the world... or I'll eat your soul!"

"Ok."

Reply

AndrewMajor
+4 DanL rvoi Ac Zapp
Andrew Major  - May 9, 2017, 11:12 p.m.

This is not the best bike review in the world... no, this is just a tribute...

Reply

Angu58
+1 Jitensha Kun
Angu58  - Oct. 8, 2018, 1:33 p.m.

But the best bike in the world

still looks like a session.

Reply

jitenshakun
0
Jitensha Kun  - Oct. 9, 2018, 12:54 p.m.

You beat me to it!

Reply

esteban
0
Esteban  - Oct. 8, 2018, 1:57 p.m.

Poetry: from the ones that can't write, to the ones that can't read.

Reply

cam@nsmb.com
0
Cam McRae  - Oct. 10, 2018, 10:27 a.m.

Not sure how we should take that one...

Reply

jitenshakun
0
Jitensha Kun  - Oct. 9, 2018, 12:53 p.m.

This comment has been removed.

kos
0
Kos  - Oct. 10, 2018, 10:30 a.m.

Great stuff!

If that isn't influenced by the late, great Ted Geisel, I'll eat my (cat in the) hat!

Reply

cam@nsmb.com
+1 Kos
Cam McRae  - Oct. 10, 2018, 7:56 p.m.

Correct!

Reply

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