Ask Uncle Dave

Words Dave Tolnai
Date Feb 3, 2015

Dave is a true Renaissance man, in that he likes to eat with his hands and hates shaving. His many accomplishments include being a decent rider. 10 years ago. When all it really took to be a ‘decent rider’ was owning a full suspension bicycle and riding it down a hill. He loves beef jerky, hates professional wrestling and is ambivalent towards reality television. He has attended University (a second rate one), is semi-literate and extremely opinionated. So, if you have a pressing question about riding technique, frame geometry or real estate investments, fire away! Dave is now taking your questions.

This week he answers all about God and MTB celebrities.


Dear Uncle Dave:

I watched the Supercross race on TV this weekend. When they interviewed the winners on the podium, almost all of them thanked “the man above” or “the lord”. It seems like religious faith is necessary to ride a motorcycle really fast. Would it have the same effect on my bicycle riding? Would putting my faith in Buddha or Allah have a similar effect?

Signed,
Religiously Motivated
(Darnell actually)
Kamloops, B.C.

I’ll answer by posing a question back to you. How many times have you heard a World Cup downhill winner express similar holy gratitude on the podium? And who gets paid millions of dollars to race in a giant stadium in front of tens of thousands of screaming spectators vs. makes peanuts riding a bicycle down a hill, alone in the woods? You might be on to something, but you should also probably aim a little bit higher.
Yours,
Uncle Dave


Dear Uncle Dave:

I was out riding a week or so back, and I saw a famous mountain biker out on the trail. He was on his own and I didn’t really want to disturb him. I’m wondering if there are any rules for what you can and cannot do when you encounter famous riders on the trail?

Thanks,
Celebrity Stalker
(Tarek)
North Vancouver, BC

Dear CS:
Like all important questions in life, the answer to this one is ‘it depends.’ Like skittles, professional mountain bike riders come in all kinds of different shapes and sizes. Let’s take a look at the different types, I’ve provided some likely BC examples to help you along:

OG Freerider (Simmons, Tippie, Vanderham, Shandro, etc.) – Quite possibly more into having a conversation than you are. Say hello and prepare for a long interaction. You might end up with some free bike parts if they sense your interest is slipping.

Slopestyle Rider (Semenuk, Messere, etc.) – You’re probably mistaken. None of these guys ride on trails. They’re busy off in the woods someplace on a jump too large for you to contemplate thinking about.

Not quite Slopestyle guys but kind of (Aggy, Sorge, Coastal Crew, etc.) – They may actually have just shuttled you in their truck. Offer them gas money or beer.

DH Racer (Smith, Kovarik, etc.) – Once again, you’re probably mistaken. Most DH racers try to look exactly like the pros they are emulating, sponsor correct down to the socks. Underneath that replica full face, it’s probably just some schmuck on a DH bike that he paid full retail for.

XC Racer (???) – Unless you’re looking for an EPO hook-up, who cares?

Professional Unicycler (Kris Holm. Others that hang out with Kris Holm) – Do not engage. Just walk away slowly.

Shore Legends (Digger, Dangerous Dan, other dudes with nicknames) – That man you just rode by, the one with the shovel, is actually kind of a big deal. Don’t disturb him though. These trails don’t build themselves.

Cory Leclerc (Cory Leclerc) – Will probably try to sell you something for “a sweet deal”. Could be anything from a clapped out Dual Sport motorcycle to a hardly used DH bike. The price will always be $3000, no matter what. It will come with an interesting story and a riding tip that will probably help. You only need to make eye contact and all this will happen.

Yours,
Uncle Dave


Tarek – yours is the Ask Uncle Dave letter of the week. Congrats You have scored a pair of  Ryders Pint shades

pint

473 milliliters of optic refreshment, perfectly poured to quench your eyeballs’ thirst for comfortable, fashionable UV protection. $39.99 here in Canada.

If you’ve got a question for Uncle Dave, send it to AskUncleDave@nsmb.com. Please include a photo (of you, your problem, or your wheel size) and tell us where you’re from. Bonus points for mentioning your favourite beef jerky. Each time he reaches into his digital sack o’ letters and finds something worthy, we’ll give away something else. Remember: there definitely are stupid questions, but that doesn’t mean Uncle Dave won’t answer them. AND PLEASE TELL US WHERE YOU ARE FROM! You should also know that Uncle Dave is an engineer. Of some kind. We don’t think he drives a train though.


Digger actually really likes it when folks talk to him, especially if you slide him a twenty.

Trending on NSMB

Comments

mulch
0
Mulch  - Feb. 7, 2015, 7:10 p.m.

baha! i bought a bike off Cory once - guess how much it was!

Reply

brock-fisher
0
Brock Fisher  - Feb. 3, 2015, 12:20 p.m.

Pssh, I just challenge them to a race!

Unless it's Kris that just not fair! But seriously that guy is super rad!

Reply

jamie-hamilton
0
Jamie Hamilton  - Feb. 3, 2015, 12:06 p.m.

Uncle Dave, your my kinda mans man. Pass us that there chainsaw will ya? I have to trim the lace off my tutu…

Reply

bikecodude
0
Seb  - Feb. 3, 2015, 9:05 a.m.

i c brandon on trails often . why would he be building jumps ?

Reply

cam@nsmb.com
0
Cam McRae  - Feb. 3, 2015, noon

Seb - Dave shouldn't be taken literally. He's having a laugh. He knows, for example, that not all XC racers take EPO, that some slope riders ride trails, and that not all DH riders try to look exactly like their heroes. And while he may not know that Kris Holm is a really nice guy, he's having a bit of fun because mountain unicyclists are a rare and unusual bunch.

Reply

Captain-Snappy
0
Merwinn  - Feb. 3, 2015, 8:32 a.m.

"XC Racer (???) – Unless you’re looking for an EPO hook-up, who cares?"

Ouch!

Reply

colin-miller
0
Colin Miller  - Feb. 3, 2015, 6:01 a.m.

luv it,,,, Cory makes me chuckle everytime I look him in the eyes..

Reply

mike-x
0
Mike X  - Feb. 3, 2015, 1:45 a.m.

Did Kris Holm kick your ass or something?

Reply

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