A Local’s Guide
Whistler. International melting pot. Mountain biking mecca. Host of Crankworx – where for ten days livers will scream for mommy, while riders from around the globe gather to compete for glory and beaucoup stacks of cash. Beneath the spotlight, around the darkest corner, doubled-over behind the dumpster… local flavour still hangs on here. Their secrets have remained mostly locked and guarded. Until now.
Hi. I’m Ian Morrison and I guess you could call me a local. Dropping into Whistler during Crankworx is often too much for even the most seasoned vets. So I thought I’d do my pal Stevie a favor and show him how to survive the mayhem before the shit gets real. Here’s a run-down of how it all goes down, Whistler style:
- One dumbo is never enough at Sushi Village.
- Stopping in the middle of the trail is not a brilliant thing to do. I don’t want to run into you and you don’t want to be run into by me.
- Midday is not the best time to ride. But it is the best time to hit the beach and enjoy the “scenery”.
- I’m not trying to piss you off, you’re just going too slow.
- The common myth of nothing cures a hangover. Feed the beast some Zogs Poutine to get you back on the bike for another day of riding.
- Yes, the GLC is right at the base of the mountain, making it awesomely convenient. It also contains the four food groups: babes, beer, burgers, and buckets.
- You might think no one notices that you haven’t showered in three days. Fight the funk and shower… with soap.
- Just because you have a human kinetics degree doesn’t mean you should tell people how to ride a bike.
- Long hair is an aerodynamic advantage. (It’s math. Don’t question it.)
- Visors are meant to be put in the highest position. Without question it will make you a better rider.
- Support local shops, you might spend a few extra bucks but at least it’ll be done right.
- The wildwood is not that good for breakfast. Don’t be misled.
- A single isn’t an acceptable amount of booze. Doubles or bust.
- You’re feet will stick to the ground in the clubs, get drunker, you won’t notice.
- The speed limit is there to be broken and please stop driving slowly in the passing lane you are making everyone hate you… not just me.
- Bring your own Espresso machine, because real coffee in Whistler does not exist.
- If you end up underground at the end of the night, there is a 90% chance you are not riding the next day – you have reached the point of no return.
See you soon.
Ian’s sage advice comes just in time for Crankworx. Just say no to Clown Shoes.