The Best Bike In The World

The Best Bike In The World*

Voraciously swallowing all surrounding light. The Best Bike is so black I can’t find it at night. The world’s best weapon, whip, sled, mount, or steed. On the bleeding edge since velocipedes. Weld Friday, race Sunday, sell Monday they’d say. Carbon lead times aside it’s still valid today.

180 mills up front and out back. The seat angle’s steep and the head’s f*cking slack. It coasts down the trail like I broke off the chain. It pops off the lips with more lift than a plane. It climbs like a goat if that goat was on speed. It has mounts for four bottles for H20 needs.

The reach is the same as my buddy’s XL. With an 840 Manticor it fits me quite well. It’s true that I’m only five nine inches tall. But, I still think most people choose bikes far too small.

*originally published Feb. 24th, 2017

Climbing

It floats up huge climbs like it’s pumped full of steam. I think it’s pulled right from Ned Overend’s dreams. Schurter could rip it straight to first place (with fast tires, half the travel, and one-third less weight).

If there comes a time when I need it to race. I’ll buy big carbon hoops to hasten my pace. The stock tires are a Plus set of two seven by threes. They roll over rocks, roots, dogs and large trees.

Slacker than The Dude but it can still climb. I pedal to rides and I’m always on time. On my final lap up to CBC. I’d swear there’s a Vivax inside the BB.

The low cog’s so huge that the bike needs two chains. Decimal gearing, gain ratios the same. The shifting’s so light, the action so nice. Challenging features don’t make me think twice.

Sitting and spinning works for most hills. Or, stand up and grind for some firm sprinting thrills. Traction is endless right off the top. But support is still firm when the hammer is dropped. No lever to lever or switch to flip closed. Climbing performance is right on the nose.

The Best Bike in the World sure doesn’t dawdle. It rips up the climbs like an E~Bike with throttle.

Descending

Because it goes up with such piss and such vinegar, you might think it descends like your parents’ prime minister. That’s simply untrue, incorrect and plain wrong! It descends like a maiden thrown down by King Kong.

It crushes gnar lines like they are bike path flat and sniper transitions become runway fat. Rips out the duff like extraordinary rendition. But that’s part of the process called decomposition. It’s a trail slaying zero f*cks given machine. But because it’s a bike we can still call it green.

The brakes are the best that money can buy. They will never squeal, bitch, moan, or cry. Firm to the touch with endless modulation. Over three hundred grams lighter than the competition. They never pump up; power’s always on tap. The pads last forever and are changed in a snap.

Feather them endlessly down the steep lines. The bike squats just perfectly in the behind. The stock tires of course are simply the best. Tougher and lighter than all of the rest.

Traction is excellent going both ways. Completely supportive plush travel for days. The best bike in the world descends like greased lightning. It’s so close to silent my friends say it’s frightening.

Cornering

So solid through berms I can do nothing wrong. Perfectly stable without being too long. Down Whistler Mountain it holds any line. Climbing back up tight switchbacks are mine.

Lean it hard in or keep it upright. Pump it out wide or carve mean and tight. No line is wrong when every line’s fast. So quick out of turns that you’ll never get passed.

It doesn’t care if the corners are flat. Piled high with rocks. Or endlessly stacked.
If you check out my GoPro you’ll see that I railed. The Best Bike in the World has cornering nailed.

Construction

The molds are machined until beyond perfected. Still every third unit gets pulled and dissected. Then in Taiwan carbon sheets are applied. Final checks performed thrice before you can ride.

You might find this next bit hard to believe, but it’s only for bikes this stuff called carbon weave. Folks would love it for aerospace, fishing, prosthetics. But they told all the limbless “f*ck off and forget it.”

While joy of ownership may be unrivalled, you should know that your carbon frame can’t be recycled.

It’s the greatest, the bestest next level fantastic and if I can hear you please don’t call it plastic.

Value

Half a year’s wages for a teacher round here; that’s the price before taxes and essential gear. For drivetrain replacement, if you need to ask. Before you look at the bill take a hit from your flask.

It comes without pedals, a saddle, or grip. Bar and stem are both extra for your new whip. The best bike in the world should be made to measure. And if you price it by weight you will know it’s a treasure.

Get Some

The best bike in the world has a fit that’s terrific. It comes in twelve sizes, even man specific. Not just a bike, you are buying new friends. They’ll all ask to fondle it when the ride ends.

The handling is perfectly stable and snappy. It’s worth all the coin ‘cause it will make you happy. Some say “the best bike’s the one you already own.” The Best Bike in the World says “Take out a loan”.

How can you afford not to afford one? The Best Bike in the World guarantees you more fun.